Odds N' Ends
by Feagalad
Summary: Life isn't all looking badass, after all. Even the incredible, amazing, good-looking Dean Winchester occasionally has days whenever he wakes up with BAD bed-hair. And even the incredible, brilliant, adorable Sammy sometimes suffers from brain-freeze. There are goofy moments, quiet moments, and moments not spent kicking ass and taking names. This is a look into the stories untold...
1. Vacation? What's That?

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* * *

**Author's Note: **_This chapter is co-authored with _**_TheChristmasSerialMurders_**_...a recent convert to the show, my writing protégée, and a very good friend._

**Disclaimer: **_Right. Because a story with such an imaginative title as the one posted here on a site for FANFICTION means that I have any claim to the SPN canon. Totally. Suuure..._

* * *

"Saaaammmmmyyyyy...I'm booooooored!"

"Dean, this is a rare break. You're meant to be chilling. Stop acting like a whiny five-year-old...and stop calling me 'Sammy'."

"Why should I stop calling you 'Sammy', Sammy?"

"Because 'Sammy' is a chubby twelve year old or a bleeding me, neither of which apply right now! It's just Sam, okay?"

"Fine. Whatever you say, Sammy."

"Dude...seriously?"

"I'm bored. There's nothing to do!"

"Why don't you read? Or go out and try and pick up some chick from the bar. Try and get a brunette this time. It'll be a nice change from all the airhead blondes that have been around thus far."

"_Thus_, really, Sam?"

"Yes, really, Dean. I'm serious about the girls."

"Angie wasn't even a real blond!"

"So? She seemed determined to act like one. Now shut up, I'm reading."

...

"Sammy?"

"Yeah."

"I'm bored."

"So go out to the bar!"

"I did that last night."

"Well good for you, do it again. Just try not to get an airhead hanging all over you this time, you wouldn't want to get dumber by osmosis, would you?"

"Gloria _wasn't _an airhead! She was a professional cellist from Las Vegas. Mmmm the things she could do with those fingers...!"

"Thanks, Dean. Just what I was wanting to hear!"

"Always glad to share, Sammy."

"I really wish you wouldn't."

"Awww, come on, Prudey. You wouldn't go for Gina's friend Monica last night, so it's a moral imperative that I help you the poor, unfortunate soul to live vicariously through your much buffer and more handsome elder brother."

"Who's moral imperative Dean? Stop quoting 'The Little Mermaid'. It's creepy coming from you."

"I'm just trying to help you loosen up. You're far too tense."

"No, Dean, I'm not. I'm just trying to retain some part of my sanity. I really don't need to think of my brother like that, thanks."

"What are you reading?"

"A book."

"No, really? I never would have guessed!"

"You're welcome."

"A book, seriously? Not a magazine or whatever but a big-ass research book?! We're supposed to be on vacation, Sammy...would it kill you to let that geek brain of yours rest for a day or two?"

"We're on vacation Dean, would it kill you to let your downstairs brain rest for a day or two?"

"But that's what vacation is for! Besides...I've got to make up for you, Sammy, dear. With your nose constantly in a book, little wonder you don't get laid! Seriously, dude, you need to lighten up. You're making my muscles tense up and knot just looking at you! What'll it take to get you to say yes to a few beers and a hot bar wench?"

"Why does everything have to be about _that _with you, Dean? You don't need to get laid every five minutes to live!"

"Haven't you ever heard of 'if you don't use it, you'll lose it'?!"

"Dean, that's scientifically impossible. Thought what we do most days is scientifically impossible, but that's besides the point! What you just said (scarring me for life, by the way, thanks for that) is unfounded in any form of scientific evidence."

"Well it's not like this crappy motel has anything half-way decent on TV to watch."

"So you decide to make it National Let's-Annoy-Sam Day?"

"Pretty much, yup! Give the College Boy a prize!"

"Shut up."

"But Sam...the _TV _doesn't even work!"

"So? What do you want to do instead? Drink coffee, pick your nose, and scratch your ass?"

"Nope. Already done that. I'm bored now. Entertain me."

"There's a difference when it comes to you?"

"A difference between what?"

"Boredom and...never mind. What do I have to do to get you off my ass? Play Twister like we're kids or something?"

"I played a game of Twister once. Mmmm mmm! Not really something I want to associate with my _brother_, though..."

"Lovely, the mental image I've always wanted. I don't think I wanna know who won. Or WHAT they won either!"

"Jello body shots, three curvaceous blonds, and a trombone were involved...good times."

"I really didn't want to know that."

"We could play charades...as long as you get the 'wedding' card again. Think you can still pull off playing the minister, groom, _and _bride at the same time?"

"Aaaw, man, I HATE the wedding card!"

"But you were so good at it...I could practically _hear _you singing the wedding march under your breath!"

"I'm talented, but not THAT good."

"It was hilarious."

"As hilarious as you playing a porcine ballet dancer for the 'Muppet' card?"

"Shut up, I was brilliant."

"Yeah. Right up until you poked me in the eye on a pirouette."

"It was the nostril and don't think I've recovered from that...we should still play, though. Make up our own categories."

"Yeah, right. Because _that_ was _so_ much fun."

"C'mon, Sammy, have a heart for some fun!"

"Where do I find super-glue and and a beer bottle…?"

"Shut up. My hand was red for _days _and everybody thought it was from something else and gave me a _wide_ berth. "

"That was kinda the idea…"

"I hate you."

"Does that mean you'll leave me the hell alone?"

"Why? What's so fascinating about that particular book that you have to read it on our _vacation_? D'you have a skin mag tucked inside or something? Because if you do, I have to say that reading it in the same room as me is in VERY poor taste."

"Why, you'd just be pissed I'm not sharing?"

"SAM! We have a _rule _about this sort of thing! You don't do it with a truck-stop waitress, you don't do it in the same room as another guy, and you don't make me think about you doing it!"

"But I didn't break any of them."

"Rule No. 3, Sam."

"That wasn't my fault. You and your dirty mind started it."

"Sam!"

"I'm not doing anything against your assbutt 'rules'."

"Assbutt? Sam...really? Redundant, much?"

"Your point?"

"You've been hanging around Cas for too long. No wonder you're missing the obvious!

"I swear I'm gonna show you 'Destiel'. You don't want to know. You _really_ don't...so stop bugging me or I will."

"Who the hell is Destiel?"

"Like I said. You don't wanna know. Though it is freakin' hilarious in a slightly disturbing sort of way!"

"Whatever. So are we gonna play Charades or not? I'm hungry...we should order a pizza tonight. Extra onions, hold the anchovies."

"Charades? Really? God, WHY?!"

"I'm bored."

"So you said. Just…go hassle the pizza dude, I'll get some beer."


	2. Barney The Satanic Dinosaur

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* * *

"Dean! What the hell did you tell the pizza dude?"

"I ordered us a garbage pizza. Figured all of the pineapple and peppers and crap would be appealing to your freak-ass health food binge."

"That doesn't look like all of what you said to the poor guy."

"And this is your business, why?"

"Because he ran from here like a bat from Hell and I'd really prefer not to end up on the FBI's Most Wanted List as a psychopath. Again."

"It's cool, Sam. Just gave him some advice on how to woo his girlfriend. Kid texted her the whole way through giving me the bill so apparently there's trouble in paradise. I advised a smooth apology and some nice flowers. He probably ran out to get the rest of his deliveries done so he could go find the best price on roses."

"It isn't your position - or problem - to give the idiot just trying to do his job love advice, Romeo!"

"Oh shut up and eat your pizza, Samantha! I'll see if I can get this sulking dinosaur of a TV working. Maybe if we're lucky the Rocky Horror Picture Show will be on!"

"Make me, jerk! The wires are all frayed and the circuits are probably fried. Yeah, you'll get that TV working when Hell freezes over! Good luck."

"Ha! Get ready to eat your words, Sammy!"

"Yeah, I'll stick to my pizza, thanks."

"Hell yeah! Oh Sammy...it's working!"

"What?"

"Say hello to our new best friend...the blue, electronic eye."

"It's more black and white static right now."

"But it's working."

"I do have eyes, you know."

"Well then why don't you come use them and make yourself useful by tuning the antennae while I sort out these wires?"

"Fine. Whatever. But if my pizza goes cold because of this I'm kicking your ass and driving the car for a week."

"You don't mess with my Baby! I don't think she's forgiven you for the last time you were driving and you put that abomination into the radio jack!"

"I was getting _real _tired of Metallica and if I had to fast-forward through Bon Jovi one more time I was going to put a bullet in someone...preferably me."

"Don't even joke about that, Sammy!"

"Who said I was joking?"

"Well you better have been! I didn't go on a tour of the Pit just for you to earn-yourself a one-way ticket to join me. You idiot."

"Obviously I never went through with it. I knew you'd be pissed.

"Then why even bring it up?"

"You asked why I put that abomination (Which is called an iPod, okay?) into Ba- your car. That's why."

"She still hasn't forgiven you, I know it."

"I swear you two need to get a room."

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, BABY!"

"Geez, just get a room. You flirt with just about anything that moves, I wouldn't be surprised if you got it on with that car!"

"...remarkably disturbing reverie, coming from you."

"'Reverie'… sure you know what that means?"

"Don't give me that bitchface, nerd. I do actually have a brain, y'know."

"Huh. Whatever. What crap TV is on the crap TV?"

"Oh..._God_!"

"You gotta be frickin' KIDDING me!"

"Make it go away!"

"I can't! The remote's stuck! Does it even have batteries?"

"Then recite one of your exorcisms. This thing's _clearly _possessed!"

"Fine!"

...

"Dean, it's not working."

"GODDAMMIT!"

"Why the hell is THIS on at nine-friggin'-o-clock at night?! Surely little brats are in bed by now?!"

"Make it go away, Sammy!"

"How?! That's quite a vivid purple his body is…"

"I don't care if he's black, white, purple, or _chartreuse_...he needs to go away!"

"Look, I'm trying okay?! Big help you are, sitting there flinching!"

"But it's just so...so _satanic_!"

"It's just Barney, dude. Not some demon or something."

"Don't. Say. The. Name!"

"Dude…seriously? You can't summon him by saying his name!"

"I'm not taking any chances. Just get rid of it."

"You don't listen to me do you?!"

"How can I with that creepy monster of everything wrong with children's entertainment these days singing at me?"

"Some help wouldn't go amiss, you know, if you're so desperate!"

"The _eyes_, Sammy. The ugly, messed-up, creepy, _satanic eyes_!"

"What the hell are you on about dude?! Some childhood trauma or something that I don't know about?"

"...No. I just don't trust anything if I can't see its eyes."

"There's just some really dumb dude under some bright purple clown suit. Chill, man."

"Exactly. Who _knows _who that is! You know who dresses in purple and hangs out with kids? Clowns and creepers...like those damn mice at Disney World."

"'D-damn mice at Disney World'?!"

"Dude, stop choking on your beer. Those things are damn scary!"

"Oh, yeah. There needs to be a shirt just for you saying; Mickey Mouse Is Gonna Murder Me!'"

"Shut up. At least I'm not afraid of Ronald McDonald."

"Whatever."

...

"Gah! It's _singing_! Make it go away, Sammy! Don't just sit there sulking and eating pizza! "

"Make me."

...

"I freakin' HATE this damn thing! It won't unplug! Sammy...IT WON'T UNPLUG!"

"Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. Whatever shall we do? What...you afraid Barney is going to materialise through the screen and eat your ass? Just why _are _you so afraid of him anyway?"

...

"Dean?"

"Barney and Mickey and all those other damn mascots are creepy. You should shoot first and ask questions fortieth after you've salted and burned the remains and doused the fire with holy water! Sam...you can't see their _eyes_. You have NO IDEA who's really in there, who you're being forced to hug whenever you hate hugs in the first place and you're hot and sweaty and there's a Goddamn giant rodent that has some sweaty, mysterious, probably creepy (they're working at a _theme park_) person inside that wants to you hug and smile at the camera as if you're just lucky ducky shmucky doo instead of feeling like crap from all the people EVERYWHERE pressing in on you with no escape route and sore feet and did I mention they try to hug you?!"

"Chill Dean, having a heart-attack over a mouse isn't worth it."

"Says the man who used to hyperventilate whenever we would get Happy Meals."

"Shut up, jerk."

"Stuff it, bitch.

"I am. With pizza."

...

"Son of a bitch...I can't take this any-more!"

"DUDE! What the HELL?!"

"I had to put it out of its misery."

"Yeah, fine, I'm not a fan of Barney's TV myself...but SHOOTING the damn thing?!"

"It was possessed."

"No, it wasn't! It was just a rickety old TV that was malfunctioning! _You're _the one who turned it on in the first place."

"It was possessed. And now it's dead. Is there any pizza left?"

"I hate you  
You hate me  
Lets be friends and kill Barney  
With a baseball bat  
And a nice, big two-by-four  
No more purple dinosaur…"

"I'm not certain whether I should laugh or be disturbed by that little bit of poetry, Sammy. And just when I thought your habit of singing in the shower couldn't get any worse!"

"Do whatever you want with it. I'm gad to have put it out loud. It was getting annoying, rattling around in my brain like that. Did you know I made that up in second grade?"

"Oh God..."

...

"Sammy - did you take all of the bacon for yourself?"

"No I didn't. Why do you ask?"

"Because there's none on my half of this pizza."

"Well go yell at the pizza-place dudes. I'm done, I'm going back to my book."

_"Sam!_ We're on vacation. Is it so bad that I want to hang around with my brother instead of staring at the back of your head all night?"

"Okay, fine. Say I do, hypothetically, leave my book to hang around with you too. What will we do?"

"Well..."

"That doesn't involve bars, girls, or seeing if we can break the record for getting to Vegas from Connecticut overnight."

"When you put it like that...it's been so long, I honestly don't know. When was the last time we had a vacation?"

"When we were, like five? With Dad?"

"_You _were six. It was the year right before you found out about hunting and Dad made us really step up the training."

"The point still stands...it's been a long time."

"Damn straight. What did we do then?"

"Dude, I was FIVE (not six...five). We all played tag football and went fishing, I think. But I don't know. Can YOU remember everything you did when you were five?"

"I remember changing your diaper."

"Yeah, and I remember spitting in your eye."

"Dude, you were barely two years old. You so do _not _remember that!"

"Wanna bet?"


	3. Dean's Drunk-Dialling Disaster

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* * *

Dean? Where are you? I think I found us a job. - SW

Go away, Sammy. - DW

Why are you texting me right now anyway? - DW

Dean...are you in a bar? - SW

No... YES! Go away! - DW

DEAN! We're supposed to be looking for a case! - SW

...you told me you were going to the library. - SW

Relax, dude, - DW

Libraries are boring, the librarian was pushing 70, and there's no case to be found...so I figured I'd look for some chicks. At the bar. - DW

Really, Dean? Really? I should have known... - SW

Yeah, Sammy, you should've. Now, there's a pretty young thing comin' my way. If you'll excuse me... - DW

Dean...could you please concentrate just for a minute? - SW

I am. - DW

ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN HOW TO GET INTO A BAR GIRL'S PANTS! - SW

Why? - DW

Geez, relax, dude! Really! - DW

What do you want? - DW

I thought you wanted a new job as soon as possible. You don't find them gallivanting around bars and picking up girls. - SW

Who, says, Mr. Prude? For all you know, I could have one right here! In the form of a TOTALLY hot chick, who could be a demon. (like one 'Meg' I could mention..?) - DW

Shut up. You're the one who was into her, not me. - SW

Well she was certainly 'in' you! - DW

Sorry. - DW

I seem to remember you offering to give us 'time alone'...? - SW

You're never into anyone, Sammy-boy. I'm getting a little worried about you. You didn't even jump at the chance with Sarah, what the hell? She was totally into you and how many times have you called her? Zip! - DW

I've texted her. - SW

How many times? - DW

Why do you care? - SW

Because I don't want you to be moping about like this. You never watch porn or flirt with the waitresses (though that could be because they're totally blown away by yours truly...) and you're never into anyone. - DW

It's called having restraint, Dean. Some of us don't need to pick up every Mary, Sue, or Valla we meet, you know. - SW

Besides...when are _you _so closely inspecting my love life? You're creeping me out a bit, Dr. Phil. - SW

Don't forget Veronica! She was TOTALLY into you! Gave us half-off the yesterdays special and everything! - DW

Because I'm being your big, big brother. That's what we do, isn't it? Oooh, there are a pair of smokin' hot twins, here, dude. You've gotta come and see them! - DW

And don't forget Bethany. Though she came to her senses whenever she fell into my arms. - DW

Which one was Bethany? - SW

The blond, hot, and leggy one? - DW

I repeat: Which one? - SW

I told you! Wasn't she the... the uh... the... violinist..? With the...uh...the creepy-assed cursed red violin? - DW

Exactly. You can't even remember. - SW

I take it this means you're fine with staying in this town for another night. - SW

Hey! Thats not true! - DW

Yes, I totally am. With some rather nice company. - DW

Fine, whatever. I'll just hang out here in the room, then. - SW

Yeah, you do that. I'm sure Barney will be on the TV just for you! - DW

Actually, Mickeyphobiac, I was going to watch a documentary on the life cycle of Colossal Squid. - SW

Sounds riveting. You enjoy _that_, I'll enjoy _this_. - DW

Whatever. - SW

Just try not to wake me up whenever you come back to the room. If we're not going to be on a case I might actually try and sleep tonight. - SW

Whatever, bitch. - DW

Yeah, have fun with that, after your squid date. - DW

It's not a date, Dean, it's a National Geographic documentary. - SW

Same difference. Really, you should come and see Emily's twin. She is SMOKIN' hot. And her name is Anne. - DW

Anne with an e? - SW

Yes...according to how she wrote down her number. Why? - DW

Nothing. Nevermind. You probably wouldn't get it anyway. - SW

Is this one of your dumb-ass literature references, geek? - DW

...maybe. Look. Just forget it. Knew a girl a long time ago that read them, it isn't important. - SW

Read what? - DW

Anne of Green Gables? - SW

Is she hot? - DW

Dude! She's like thirteen in the book! - SW

So? - DW

If she's hot, it don't matter. Clearly _you _liked 'em when you were a kid. - DW

Dean...I'm pretty sure that's illegal. In fact, I _know _it is. I really hope you're just teasing. - SW

Or tipsy. - SW

You didn't drive, did you? - SW

Course I am, dude! What do you take me for? - DW

Joking, I mean. I'm not drunk...yet. And no I didn't drive to the bar. What kind of idiot do you think I am? I'd never risk my Baby like that! - DW

This is coming from the guy who got arrested last month for getting caught having oral sex with a girl. Seriously, Dean, the last thing we need is for the FBI to catch up with us just because you can't control your libido. - SW

Can't you just say 'kissing' like every other Jack, Joe and Jose, nerd? - DW

Don't play dumb. I had to listen to that ultra-conservative sheriff rant whenever I bailed you out. It had gone WAY beyond kissing. - SW

It was with his daughter, too. Really, Dean? I'm surprised he didn't murder you on the spot! - SW

And my point still stands. - SW

Whatever. Stick to your squids, I'll maybe be lucky enough to hook up with BOTH of them! - DW

What point? - DW

Just be more careful this time, please? I don't wanna have to come bail you out again or something like that. We do still have Henriksen on our asses, remember. You wouldn't ditch the car, so the least you can do is be careful on your conquests. - SW

They're both 25, HOT, and single. Now quit your worrying and watch your squids hatch, mate, breed, and die. - DW

Did I mention they were hot…? - DW

The girls...not the squids. - DW

Once or twice, yes. And no, I don't want a play-by-play. - SW

Well, I'll mention again - They. Are. HOT!

Are you sure? It'll be fun for all! - DW

Dean. You're my brother...and I would die for you...but there are just some things I don't want to know about you. Would you want _me _to tell you all about what Faith and I did during the senior prom? Gross, dude! - SW

...

Dean? - SW

Dean! Answer me, dammit! - SW

DEAN WINCHESTER! - SW

Sammmy! I loooove yoooou! And these Purple Nurples are aamaaazinnng! - DW

That bar serves Purple Nurples?! - SW

Yesssh, it doeeeess. And boyyy do they tashte goooddd! - DW

Dean! Don't you remember the hangover you had last time? And the girl you picked up...Starla, was her name? The one who almost puked on you? - SW

Shtarla? The hell iss shee aggain, Sammmy? All Iii know ish that Annee ish aweeshomme! - DW

Dean...are you _drunk_? - SW

Nooo! No, Im nott Sammmyyy. Whhy would you askkk thattt?¡ - DW

Oh I don't know...maybe because of your ABOMINABLE SPELLING? - SW

Wha? Im jusst fine...haaving a grrreattime! - DW

Yeah. Right. Listen, Dean, where are you? - SW

In thee beautifull arrmss offf Emilly. Orrr iss it Annee? - DW

Damn. Dean? Focus! Get outa bed (if you're done which, given the fact that you're texting me, I REALLY hope is the case) and get your clothes on. Meet me on the porch of the house, I'm coming to get you. - SW

Nott att a houuusse. In hotell. And I dont wannnnnaa goo! - DW

Too bad. - SW

Seriously, Dean, we need to skip this state. - SW

NOW. - SW

Sammmyyy whhat hell have yoou donnee? Whatss theee rushhh…? - DW

Well while you were out cavorting and drinking and God-knows-what-else, Hendriksen got on the news and decided to have a big special featuring your ugly mug. I _told _you we stopped too close to Milwaukee! We should have driven to Florida! - SW

Oh, THATTT sonn of aa bitch! Welll heee cannn goo andd boiil hisss headd, andd leeaaave uss the helll alonnee! - DW

God I wish. But if we don't split like right now, you can tell him to boil his head very comfortably from behind bars. - SW

Ohh CRAAPP! - DW

Yeah. - SW

Now which hotel are you at? - SW

Theee Midniggghht Hottel. We gottta gett outtaa heree!

Yeah, yeah. Get dressed and try not to make a scene. I'll be there in ten. - SW

Oh...and _really try _not to look suspicious or leave extra fingerprints around? - SW

Dammit! You took the car, didn't you? - SW

...

Thhe girrrls are awakke. Anddd Im nott undressedd. Neveerr gott thatt farr. Cantt youu comme quicckkerr?! - DW

Dammit, Dean. Too much information! And I've TOLD you that we need to ditch the Impala. It's too conspicuous...especially whenever you park it in a hotel bush. Someone on the staff must have called the police. - SW

DONTTT LISTENNN TO HIMM BAAABYYY! - DW

Oh for the love of...! Which room number? - SW

221 - DW

...and the girls _are _dressed, right? - SW

Noooo, theyreee nottt. - DW

Oh God. - SW

Okay, fine. Meet me outside in the hallway...I'm coming up the elevator. - SW


	4. Saint Sammy

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* * *

"Sammmmyyyy!"

"Oh my God, Dean...what the hell did you drink?"

"Those cwool Nurple Purpless! Why are ther twoo of yoou?"

"Because I'm twice as awesome as you. Now shut up before they call security."

"Noo. I'm the cooool brotherrr! Youre the nerrrd, bittch!"

"Screw securit...security! Lets paaaartyy!"

"Dean! You're gonna get us caught!"

"I don't caaare!"

"Well you should. D'you really want to see me locked up too?"

"Dammit, Sshammy! Enough wi'the puuppy-dog eyees!"

"Well?!"

"It'sh okay, S-Sammy! If we gooo down, we go down t'gether. We're brothersh! We'll beee friendsh!"

"The hell we will! How many of those things did you drink? I haven't seen you this drunk for ages!"

"I lost counnt after the fifthh. The corridorr is spinning roundd and round! Wheeee!"

"Figures you'd pick _now _to be a happy drunk..."

"Yesh!"

"OW! Goddammit! Okay, that's it. No more bacon cheeseburgers for _you..._you weigh a TON!"

"Not cheeseburgers! PIE!"

"Dude! Not in the face! Your breath stinks!"

"Go to hell! Put me downn! My body iss full of airr!"

"Yeah. Smelly air."

"Shuttup, you pissy!"

"You shut up...long enough for us to get past the clerk and drive the Impala out of the bush. I can't believe you were driving her...it drunk, Dean. Dad would've kicked your ass!"

"Yesh! Baby! I missed yoou! Dads dead, he cant kick my ass Sammy. Noone…noone can!'

"I will if you don't shut up. Now gimme the keys. I'm driving."

"Keys is gone, lost them when I arrived."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeeep! Aren't I cleeever?"

"No. You're not. What were you thinking?!"

"About how HOT those chicks were?"

"Okaaay...stop it right there! Focus - when did you last have them?"

"The chicks?"

"The _keys_. K.E.Y.S. keys!"

"Oh...uh...I dunno? Thhink I had 'em when I went in."

"Great...just great."

"Sorry."

"Dammit! The cops!"

"Saammy...I found 'em!"

"Give them here! D'you wanna be arrested?! Let's go!"

...

"Are you sure you're all right, Dean? Losing the Impala keys, even while drunk, isn't like you."

"'M fine. Little bit queasy now, but fine."

"If you say so...but somehow I feel like you dodged a bullet with those girls back there. Did you let them give you a drink or something?"

"'M not shtupid, Sammm."

"No, of course not. But did you?"

"Yessh? No? Maybeee? I dunno!"

"Dean, calm down! We don't need you going all clingy drunk and chick-flick-y now. Sleep it off, dude..."

"'Kay."

...

"Dean, you asleep?"

...

"I am SO going to tease you about this in the morning!"


	5. Those Were The Days

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* * *

"Sam? Have you ever heard of there being a Harpy nest around here?"

'Harpy nest? Yes there was one a few years ago, but Dad got rid of it. Why'd you ask..?'

"Because I think that old harridan who checked us in might have had a bit of harpy blood in her."

"Just because she rapped your knuckles with a pencil-sharpener..."

"That hurt! She totally has some screwy heritage."

'It's actually quite possible you know, and I wouldn't be surprised if she has. We have seen weirder things..'

"She was totally checking you out, by the way."

'Dude... seriously?!'

"She was. She even offered to bring us room service breakfast tomorrow personally."

"What?"

"She's probably hoping to catch you in a towel..."

"Ew! Dude, a 50 year old lady... into _me_?! Are you freaking _insane_?!"

"And I quote: We have seen weirder things! Yeah. She was giving you the once or twice over as we walked away. Better beware, Sammy! Don't worry...I'll help protect your virtue."

'Great. That's all I need. A demon chicken lady wanting to be with me and _you _to fend her off. My life _sucks_.'

"I'm pretty sure she wasn't possessed."

'Yeah, because that's _so_ reassuring.'

"Awww come on, Sammy. You need a bit of excitement in your life!"

'Yeah, and a lady who could be our grandmother can provide that, _how _exactly?'

"Oh...I seem to remember you dancing the night away with one at a museum while Bela and I robbed the joint. You two-faced Prince Charming, you!"

'Dude, that was to _distract_ while Bela and you 'robbed the joint', if you recall.'

"Whatever you say, Romeo."

"Says the dude who's longest relationship hasn't lasted longer than two days.'

"I spent a weekend with Lisa. At least...I'm pretty sure it was a weekend. Wasn't exactly looking at a calendar."

"Uh-huh."

"I've got Baby."

'Yeah. And you're telling me about old ladies?!'

"HEY!"

'What, dude? She did belong to Dad before you got her...it. Seriously, you're just being a jerk.'

"Big brother, Sammy...it's my job."

'If I had a dime every time you said that…'

"We'd be rich, I know. But until I get paid for my utterly witty remarks, we need to hit a bar and hustle up some cash. I'm down to my last ten."

'Which you'll probably use to fill the car, rather than us…'

"Just because you don't appreciate a Twinkie whenever you see one, Vegetarian vamp!"

'I'm supposed to fight off The Apocalypse on a _TWINKIE_?!'

"Beats your girly salads any day. How you got so tall eating that rabbit food crap is beyond me."

'At least I'm not a fat-induced heart-attack waiting to happen. Like others I could mention…'

"Are you talking to me? Because I'll have you know that I am in _peak _condition!"

'Nooo, I'm talking to the idiot next to you! Oh, are you? At being with chicks, yes.'

"Why, Sammy. I didn't think you had noticed."

'Whatever, jerk. Where are we going, what are we doing now?'

"To the bars, Mr. Forgetful. I'll ply my skills to the pool tables and you can give puppy-dog eyes to the barmaids until they give us some booze on the house."

'That or you'll just 'charm' into doing it, save a lot of time and effort.'

"You flatter me, Sam."

'I didn't really mean to. And I don't do puppy-dog eyes!'

"Yeah you do. It's those big, doe-y eyes you get every-time you're about to shell out a bit of comforting, pansy crap to someone we're interviewing."

'Shut up, jerk!'

"Love you too, bitch."

'Now who's saying the pansy crap?'

"Nah. Whenever you say it it's pansy whenever I do it it's macho-y sensitive."

"Whatever."

...

'Dean…?'

"Yeah?"

'Am I gonna have to come save your heavily drunken ass again, tonight…?'

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not the one who does KE$HA karaoke after three beers."

'So you don't remember us having to high-tail it, with you yelling about how your body has air in it, losing and finding the car keys, and then almost puking in the car too? It didn't happen all _that _long ago! Come on...you don't remember anything?! Not to mention the two day long headache…? (I swear one of those girls spiked one of your Purple Nurples!)"

"I almost puked in Baby?!"

'Yes, you did. I was racing down the highway, when you got this weird-ass look on your face, made a funny noise an yelled something like '_shtopp Bbaaby!',_ tumbled out the back-seat, and started hurling your guts out on the side of the road.'

"You're exaggerating."

'Its at times like these that I wish I'd remembered to take some proof or something.'

"You're making this up, Sam. I hold my liqueur just fine...you're the lightweight of this family."

'Dude, you said you'd _'lost count after five'_ Purple Nurples after I asked how many you had!'

"Exactly. Five of those things wouldn't leave me puking. You've gotten me confused with some sort of memory from your college days."

'Fine! Don't believe me? Check your text message history to me. They got slurrier and slurrier as the night wore on!'

"...What the _hell_?"

"Yeah. EXACTLY."

"No, dude, seriously...what the _hell _did they give me?!"

'I don't know. You said nothing coherent and slept it off with minimal effects. I was inclined to believe something different.'

"Those bitches must have been hard-core witches or something. PLEASE tell me you ganked them, Sammy!"

'They weren't wearing anything and you were already out the room when I arrived…'

"I...slept with a witch? Oh God!"

'Not quite.'

"I pray to Castiel in Heaven (or wherever he is) that you're making this up, Sammy."

"Then it'll go unanswered. Because I'm not making anything up.'

"Oh my God...did anything, you know, _nasty_ happen?"

'Well both the girls (Emily and Anne, who were apparently twin sisters) were both butt-naked, but you were fully dressed and proudly told me you 'hadn't got that far yet.'"

"Thank God. I'd hate to think that some damn witches had spewed their bodily fluids on _me_!"

"DEAN! To much info there, thank you!"

...

"...did you check my Baby for hex bags?"

"No. I was more concerned about getting our asses out of there."

"Oh, right. Hendriksen was on us. Do you ever miss the days when we were running from the FBI rather than from the forces of Heaven and Hell combined?"

'Those were the days. And so easy to get away from them too…'

"Yeah. We were practically Houdini escape artists. And famous for something other than being supernatural chew-toys...those _were _the days."

'Listen to us...we're _so_ screwed up.'

"Adversity breeds character."

"Wow, Dean. That was deep."


	6. Guess What, Hell Has Wi-Fi!

.

* * *

Day 2,645 (approximately) in eternal damnation. And I'm bored. Lucy and Mike are squabbling again...anyone want to chat? - AM

A...Adam?! - DW

Yeah. That's my name. Who's this? - AM

It's.. it's Dean. How the HELL?! - DW

Dean? Oh lovely...just my luck. Figures that even once I figured out Hell's wi-fi you'd be the only one to get my call. - AM

So if you're Dean, does that mean Big Bird is hanging around somewhere there too? Put him on...I have a bone to pick with him. - AM

He is out, though, isn't he? That creepy guy who said he was Death pulled him out, right? - AM

Holy CRAP! DEATH?! ADAM?! WHAT?! - DW

Yeah. Death. You know...tall, creepy, cadaverous fellow who smells like deep-dish pizza? He came and pulled Sam away from our (literally) high-stakes poker game. Lucifer was _not_ happy._ - _AM

Now where is Sam? I've got nothing better to do while my left femur grows back...so I'd like a word with him. - AM

ADAM. HOW. ARE. YOU. DOING. THIS?! - DW

Wi-fi, stupid. You don't honestly think that the minions of Hell wouldn't know how to work the Internet, do you? - AM

They're quite proud of Netflix, by the way. Say it's their best invention since Tumblr... - AM

Okay...okay. Adam. Is this really you? I'm calling Sam. RIGHT. NOW. - DW

Yeah, Jawline, it's really me. Had a bit of a break from the barbecue down here (being roasted on a spit _really _hurts, by the way) so I figured a family reunion couldn't be worse than listening to my bunkmates bicker. - AM

SAMMY?! - DW

Dean? Are you all right? You sound like you're about to pass out! - SW

Sam... Adam. Adam... he's managed to... uh... HOW?! - DW

Adam, I'm not Jawline. If you are Adam, that is... - DW

What about Adam? - SW

Yeah, Deanna, you are. Sam's 'Hair'...or 'Big Bird'. Can't decide which one I like better. - AM

Sammy. He's talking to me. Right now. - DW

Shut up, pipsqueak. - DW

Make me, Ken Doll! - AM

Adam's talking to you? Don't be ridiculous, Dean. Are you feeling okay? - SW

Sammy...I'm dead serious. Really, I am. - DW

Don't joke about that. - SW

Sam. Would I joke about our brother? He said that Death pulled you away from a poker game?! - DW

What...but...that's not...I mean..._how_?! - SW

Thats EXACTLY what I said! - DW

Wow, back to your old stuff, I see, Junior! - DW

Dean...put me on conference! - SW

Wow, back to your lame stuff, I see, Deanie-weenie! - AM

Okay. On it, Sammy. - DW

Nobody asked you, brat. - DW

Nobody had to ask me. I've got nothing better to do while I wait for the resident celestial douchebags to remember I'm here. - AM

What, d'you want one of us to come and join you? - DW

Hell no! This Cage has enough of us in here already! - AM

Thats what I was hoping you'd say. - DW

Adam? Adam...are you hearing me? - SW

Oh. Hello, Sam. Long time no see. - AM

You sound happy to see him, Addy. - DW

Well of COURSE I'm happy to see him (or hear from him, actually). You spend 180 years or so with a guy running from two psychopaths bent on dismembering you and you sort of end up bonding by default. - AM

Speaking of which, Sam, how are you? You didn't look so hot last time I saw you. - AM

I'm fine, Adam. How are you? - SW

Oh...a little hot, a little sulphury - the fire and brimstone decor is such an eyesore! Literally. The Terrible Two weren't too happy about you skipping town, you know. - AM

Oh, yeah, ask Sam how he is, but I can go to hell. Wow, that makes me feel REAL loved. - DW

Adam, I'm sorry about leaving you down there. They didn't, you know, take out their frustrations on you too much, did they? - SW

*gives incredulous look that would be _much _more effective if I actually had eyebrows right now* - AM

Right, sorry. Dammit. - SW

That's one way of putting it, you super-sized, self-sacrificial freak. - AM

Sorry. - SW

And stop apologising. You're the one who took most of the beatings for over a century. Why didn't you tell me you were doing mine too? I'm a big boy...we could have shared the load. - AM

Hello? I am still here, right..? - DW

Yeah. But you're my little brother, Adam. It's my job to protect you. - SW

Oh brother. - AM

Still no excuse for letting them skin you alive and burn the remains. - AM

I had to _watch_, you know that? - AM

They did WHAT?! - DW

Sorry, Adam. But I think watching was preferable to you actually having to go through it. - SW

Ya think? - AM

Seriously, Sam, you didn't have to do that. - AM

Yes I did. - SW

Excuse me, but, uh, could you two have this merry episode of remembering when I'M NOT AROUND?! - DW

Oh...are you still here, Dean? Huh. Guess I forgot, caught up in old memories, after all. - AM

Sorry, Dean. It's just...it's _Adam_! - SW

Yes I am, you brat! What do you think? I just left and forgot about this? - DW

You think I can't see that, Sammy? - DW

Awww, big bro, I didn't think you cared! - AM

Shut up, Addy! - DW

Why should I? I'm the one stuck in Hell for all of eternity. - AM

Oh Adam... - SW

Shut up, Sam. Not your fault. - AM

Yeah, way to remind us, and get Sam all chick-flick moment-y... - DW

Shut up. - SW

Oh, you gonna cry Sammy? You need a hug? - DW

No, Dean, I'm not. You're the one twitching like you're about to rip somebody's lungs out. - SW

Ooo...can he do that? I'll point him in Michael's general direction. It would be poetic justice! - AM

Shut up both of you! And Adam... just... GAH! - DW

What? - AM

Nothing. Nothing. Just.. never mind. - DW

No, no. Now I'm interesting. What's making you howl like there's a scorpion in your boxers? - AM

How do you know I'm wanting to do that? Can you hear all the way from that deep, dark, abyss of yours? - DW

No. It's just that I speak from personal experience. Lucy and his much thicker elder brother are running out of ideas at this point... - AM

Ouch. I remember that one. - SW

Yeah. At least it grew back rather quickly. - AM

Yuck. - SW

Terrific! - DW

What?! - SW

Dean...are you feeling okay? - SW

Dude. How would _you _like to loose it via scorpion? Snip, snip, to quote Satan! - AM


	7. One and One and One is Three

.

* * *

Snip, snip?! Oh _God_! - DW

That's just sick! - DW

You okay, Dean? - SW

Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little rattled is all. And SHUT UP, pipsqueak! - DW

Make. Me. - AM

Adam, you're making me wanna come down there, drag your ass out and then kicking it straight back! - DW

Oh do please come down, the water is fine. Hellfire makes for a great sauna, you know? If you want your face scalded off, that is. - AM

And it's about damn time you did something to pull me out! - AM

Son of a bitch! Sam. I'm gonna murder him. I swear, brat, your scrawny ass is about to be kicked! - DW

Can't be worse than anything the Douchebag Duo has done to me for the past two centuries or so. - AM

And my ass isn't scrawny, thank you very much. I'd like to think I'm rather well built, considering it all. - AM

Uh-huh…yeah. Your ass is MAJORLY scawny, Addy. - DW

How would you know? We haven't spoken face-to-face for over 500 years. For all you know I've been body-building down here in-between the floggings and the games of cat-and-mouse. - AM

Is it really that bad for you, Adam? - SW

Dude! It's _Hell_! I'm pretty sure the description in the traveller's brochure doesn't include sunshine and roses. Poker games and too much beer, yeah, but not that. - AM

And the poker isn't half so fun whenever you have to strip off a body part every time you lose. - AM

I remember, believe me. - SW

Damn it, Sammy. Stop! - DW

We're going to get you out, Adam, you hear me? We won't forget you. - DW

Why stop now? - AM

Adam Winchester! - DW

Milligan, remember? Don't trouble yourself by pulling me out just now...Michael hasn't finished the piranha tank they want me to test out yet. - AM

Best body-building exercise in the world! - AM

I'm totally buff now, you know, or at least I will be whenever that leg finishes growing back. - AM

PIRANHA tank?! - DW

Yeah. Remember I said about how I've been body-building? - AM

Oh? And have you, Tiny? - DW

God I wish! - AM

Hey Sam...why don't you tell Dean about the _awesome _gym Lucy set up down here? - AM

Adam! - SW

No, really, see...we get to swim and play Pac-Man with a bunch of sharks and then there's the fireball level where you have to run across coals while dodging giant, flaming pine cones, and then - my personal favourite - the Frankenstein Floor where you're electrocuted until you feel like a piece of fried beef. - AM

Seriously, dude, you're missing out on something here. They got tired of the rack and dismemberment _eons _ago! - AM

You're determined to joke about this, aren't you, brat? - DW

Damn straight! Unless you want me to go full-on Hannibal-Joker hybrid on your ass. I'd have cracked years ago if it weren't for my sense of humour! - AM

Okay fine, funny-man, I'll play your game. Answer me this about Lucy and Mike. If they're both dudes, why the hell do they have chickish names? - DW

Because they bitch like a couple of PMS-ing girls. - AM

Ouch. Dude, have they got any AC/DC or Metallica down there…? - DW

Yeah, actually there is. Lucy is particularly fond of 'Highway to Hell' just about whenever I'm going to try and sleep a bit. - AM

God his singing's annoying! - SW

You're telling me?! - AM

At least he wasn't inside your head for the better part of a year. - SW

You have a point there... - AM

Hello! Still here! Adam...did you name them that? Or are those their real names…? - DW

That's what they call each other whenever they're fighting, Dean. Angels really are just as immature as you are. - SW

Highway to Hell? Oh, good, so your musical education isn't going to the pits. - DW

Yeah. But if I have to hear it one more time, I might just stage a jailbreak all on my own and screw anyone who gets in my way! - AM

Oh. Sucky names though for two archangels and...HEY! I'm not immature! I'm even more mature than Castiel, and he's a god-knows-how-old angel! - DW

That's the Winchester spirit, baby bro! - DW

Who was the grown man cringing and hiding from Barney the Purple dinosaur? - SW

You two clowns had better be there to catch me when I come out or else I'm gonna come kick your asses. - AM

And Barney? Seriously?! You fought the Devil and the Heavenly Hosts and you're scared of _Barney_?! - AM

Sam's scared of clowns. - DW

Clowns kill. - SW

And are creepy-ass anyway. But _Barney_?! - AM

Dude, at least I don't almost crap my pants when Ronald McDonald so much as looks at me! - DW

I thought we agreed that incident wouldn't leave our family circle, Dean. - SW

Hey, what am I...dog meat? - AM

Sorry. You know what I meant! - SW

Sammy, Adam is our family circle! At least that's what he's being trying to tell us… - DW

Thank you, Dean. - AM

Anytime, Short Stuff. - DW

Oh God...you KNOW what I meant! - SW

And isn't there supposed to be some sort of unspoken law about giving little brothers with smart-mouths ammunition? - SW

What? You're my little brother and I give you ammo to shoot sons of bitches demons, don't I…? - DW

DEAN! - SW

That's not the kind of ammunition I was talking about and you know it! - SW

*snort* - AM

Oh, Sammy, do I? - DW

Glad we're amusing you so much, Kid. - DW

This isn't funny. - SW

Baby knows. Why cant Adam? - DW

Dude. Who's Baby? - AM

What?! You don't know who Baby is?! Oh my god! - DW

And you call yourself our brother! - DW

Geeze. I spent like six hours topside actually knowing you two. - AM

Ghoul-me doesn't count. - AM

Baby is only the most sleek, beautiful, wonderful thing ever to hit the road. She was first manufactured in - DW

Dean! Don't bore Adam to death...he's already in Hell, he doesn't need to listen to your Baby rants. - SW

You tell it then, party pooper. - DW

Fine. Adam? Baby is the Impala. - SW

You mean that utterly gorgeous black car Dad used to drive? Damn! - AM

You got that right, little bro! - DW

Oh no...not another one! - SW

Yep, Sam, it's the gay side of you that wont let you connect with her. You know...the side that likes those girly coffees and beers? - DW

Oh I am _so _jealous of you right now! Dad taught me to drive in that thing and...she does still purr like a kitten, right? - AM

At least I don't exchange long, deep looks with trench-coated angels, Dean - SW

This is starting to sound like a very bad porno, you know that, right? - AM

Ohhh, yeah. She purrs like a sexy, demon-hunting kitten. - DW

I DON'T SHARE LONG DEEP LOOK WITH CAS, MOOSE! - DW

Uh-huh. Right. Yeah. And I suppose _'Dean and I do share a more profound bond'_ just means that you two like the same brand of whisky. - SW

Dean? Is there something you need to tell us? - AM

We don't judge. - AM

What? Nooo! I like my chicks, thank you! And at least I have them more than you do, Sam. - DW

Screw you, Tiny. - DW

I'd prefer that you didn't, Dean. I may be in Hell, but I'm pretty sure incest is frowned upon even down here. - AM

Oh Gross! Thank you for that mental image...blech! - SW

Worse than Satan singing and dancing to 'All That Jazz'? - AM

MUCH worse! Don't even joke about that sort of thing! - SW

Okay. I'm just putting this out there: I DON'T LIKE CAS IN THAT WAY! Okay? Okay. Good. Moving on. - DW

Tell him that. - SW

It's all right, Dean. I'm pretty sure than angels don't exactly have a certain gender the way we humans do, anyway. - AM

Judgement free zone. - AM

Uh. I couldn't tell the baby-in-a-trenchcoat that because he wouldn't get it and then it would get awkward and then he'd go off to sulk and drink a liqueur store again and the last thing we need on our hands right now is a drunk angel. - DW

Whatever, Dean. - SW

Yeah, Sasquatch, back off. - DW

Hmmm...I wonder what Michael would say if I told him that one of his baby brothers was in love with a Winchester? It might even be worth the following punishment, just to see the look on his face. - AM

No, Adam. I don't think that's a good idea. - DW

Don't. Even. Think of it! - SW

I thought I taught you to keep your head down. - SW

It gets boring, believe it or not. - AM

You're insane. - SW

Well _DUH_! - AM

Nope, no. Don't even go there, Adam. Bad idea. - DW

I've got nothing else to do. - AM

Dude, getting yourself beaten up over an assbutt FALSE accusation SO isn't worth it! - DW

Well then why don't you two help me stage that jailbreak? I've had a craving for Taco Bell for the past 80 years. Is it true, what Lucifer was snickering about? Did they really start a breakfast menu? - AM

Yes, they have. And it tastes and looks like crap. Nah, I'll stick to my bacon cheseburgers, thanks. - DW

Bacon _and _cheese on a burger at the same time? Yuck. Do you have any idea how unhealthy that is? - AM

Don't bother, Adam. I've been trying for years to talk him into some vegetables aside from extra onions. - SW

I work off the cholesterol. What with kicking demon ass and all the chicks… - DW

What that green stuff? C'mon, Sammy. I'm not a veggie-eating nerd rabbit like you! - DW

Hey. I was pre-med and my mom was a nurse, lemme tell you that stuffing your face with cholesterol (no matter how good it tastes...I'm partial to a good cheeseburger myself) and then 'working it off' over and over will only work for so many years. Don't take this the wrong way, dude, but I'm not looking to have a face-to-face family reunion any time soon just because of a damn burger. - AM

It's called being _healthy _Dean. Salads are good for you. - SW

Yeah. Well you're gassy, Sam. Half a burrito or some chili and you're burning a hole in the ozone layer! - DW

You're one to talk, onion breath! - SW

Mr. Methane! - DW

Toxic Waste Dump! - SW

Vegetarian Vamp! - DW

Angel Seducer! - SW

Smart-ass! - DW

Jackass! - SW

Bitch. - DW

Jerk. - SW

Oh for the love of God! - AM

Brat. - DW

Brat. - SW

Great. Just my luck. No matter if I'm in Hell or on Earth I can't get away from bickering elder brothers. Why me, Lord?! - AM

* * *

**Thoughts?**


	8. Miss Robinson

.

* * *

"Good evening."

"Well it certainly is one now."

"I'll bet you say that to all the girls."

"Is it wrong if it's true?"

"You're such a charmer. What'll it be today, good sir?"

"You tell me. What's good?"

"Hmmm, well, our house brew is the talk of the town."

"Good things, I would hope."

"But of course."

"Well then how about give me a pint of that, sweetie."

...

"So. Are you a cop or something?"

"Or something. Why?"

"Oh nothing. You've just got that Law & Order vibe about you, that's all."

"Heh. I've heard that one before. Apparently anyone smart can spot 'em from a mile away."

"Was that a compliment?"

"If you want it to be."

"...So. Are you working on a case around here?"

"Huh?"

"Oh I'm just asking because this is such a tiny, obscure little place...I didn't think the Feds would have any interest in Podunk, Maryland."

"You'd be surprised. There's always something interesting in the small towns. In fact, I'm looking at something right now."

"So I'm interesting?"

"And very pretty. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"A few horny bikers half-drunk, yeah. Never anyone like you, though."

"Their loss, the blind idiots."

"I've always thought so."

"So what's a thing of beauty like you doing in Podunk?"

"Working. It's spring break and my roommate's mother offered me a job here. So rather than go into the family business and have to work with my cousin, I took it. You know how that goes."

"Course I do. Your cousin not good to work with?"

"No. He's stubborn and hard-headed and thinks he's always right and...I have no idea why I'm tell you this."

"Hey, hey. I lend a sympathetic ear. Every family has someone like that. Except for mine. I've got two."

"Two?"

"My father and my...my brother. They'll outlast God himself trying to have the last word on a grudge. Drives me nuts sometimes until I just have to go gank something or else I'll start throwing punches. You know?"

"You don't talk like a police officer or a Fed."

"I'm sort of a rebel. A maverick. A tramp. No one knows what I'll come up with next...that's why I'm here, in fact."

"Drew the short straw?"

"No. I'm not on a case. Just a hunting trip."

"A hunting trip? Must be pretty exciting for all these papers. What do you hunt?"

"Oh, you know...Yogi, Bambi, and occasionally Chip 'n Dale."

"That's awful."

"Then why are you laughing?"

"Awfully funny."

"That's me - a man of many talents."

"Oh? Really? And what would some of those talents be?"

"I'd show you, sugar, but you've got to buy me a drink first."

"Well then I'll take care of that right away. Your refill. On the house."

"Why thank you, thou Maenad."

"You know Greek mythology?"

"It's among my other talents, yes."

"Well my shift ends at seven. Could we explore some of those talents then, Mr. Maverick?"

"If you want to."

"I wouldn't say so if I didn't."

"It's a date, then. I'll even drive you home."

"I need a name before I let you do that."

"Winchester. Dean Winchester."

"Cassie. Cassie Robinson. Pleasure to meet you, Dean."


	9. Charlotte's Winchester

.

* * *

'Dean, if I have to listen to AC/DC non-stop for ONE more hour, I WILL KILL you.'

"Well we've died just about every other way, fratricide was due to happen sooner or later."

'Hilarious. But I'm serious, Dean. What's wrong with just a good old radio channel? At least there is more variety with that…'

"Yeah if you want sissy, emo songs that sound like they belong on the Power Puff Girls. What's got your panties in a twist, Samantha?"

'I'm getting bored with all this repetition. And I'm especially wary of it on a Tuesday…'

"Oh God...and I thought we'd put that son of a bitch behind us. Fine...what do you want to - OH MY GOD!"

'DEAN? What? What is it?!'

"Sammy...there's something big and hairy in my lap."

'Gross, dude. I told you Busty Asian Beauties before breakfast was bad for you!'

"Shut up, Sammy! That's not what I meant! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"

"I feel like we've had this conversation before. That's disgusting, Dean. Take care of it yourself...IN PRIVATE!"

"SAMMY! GET IT OFF!"

'Ohhhh, you mean the massive tarantula on your lap…? Again? Hmm. Maybe I'll take a picture first…'

"SAMMY! GET IT OFF!"

'Dude. Relax. We've been through this before. It's not gonna eat you.'

"Sammy. Get. It. OFF!"

'Um… how?'

"Torch it, stab it, exorcise it, THROW IT OUT THE DAMN WINDOW! I don't care...just get it away from me. I would but, uh, I'm trying to drive."

'Dude. I'm not touching you… there. And I'm not stabbing it after last time. Its big enough to shoot. Feel like being splattered with spider guts? And you're not driving, you're freaking out.'

"Don't shoot! You may hit something else..."

'Yeah. Thought you'd say that…'

"Damn it, Sam. This isn't funny."

'Oh, yes, it is! Better than your hand stuck to a bottle! I couldn't have asked for anything better if I tried!'

"Shut up. I'll pull over and kill the damn thing myself."

'No, don't kill it, I know who it belongs too.'

"WHO?"

That real-estate agents kid, who was obsessed with creepy-crawlies, remember? That case with the bugs were we all got stingers stuck in our asses?'

"Matt? Seriously? But...but I thought we got rid of his spider like years ago! Baby's been through a damn car crash! Are seriously trying to tell me that his spider survived all of that for all these years?!"

"Well they are very hardy..."

"Dude...this is like a nightmare case of deja vu!"

'To you, maybe. I'm just going along for the ride! Maybe it hitched a ride from Miss Muffet's tuffet.'

"You're just having fun pulling explanations out of your ass, aren't you?"

"Yep. Wait...Dean? Dean what the hell are you doing?! DON'T LET GO OF THE STEERING WHEEL!"

"Ha! Bye, bye, Charlotte...you son of a bitch!"

DEAN! What the hell did the spider do to you? It didn't bite you, did it? No? Didn't think so. For all we know you could've just murdered a brand new species of spider, for no reason. AND endangered Bab-your car to fling it out of the window. I hope you feel good!'

…

"And don't give me the one-fingered salute...you know I'm right."

...

'And besides...Charlotte can't be a SON of a bitch, because she was a girl spider. And I thought you didn't like to read those sorts of books…?'

"I saw the new movie."

'Oh, did you?'

"It was a date. And I scored afterwards, so screw you."

'And talking farm animals didn't bother you…?'

"Why would they? We deal with much stranger shit on a weekly basis."

'Riiight. Surprised you don't just see bacon cheeseburgers in that pig…'

"You're not supposed to eat Wilbur, Sammy."

'I should be telling you that. There is something freaky going down now. _Christo_."

"What? Where? Who?"

'You. What is wrong with you, dude? You're reacting all funny.'

"To what?"

'Everything I say. Wilbur? Charlotte? Referencing kiddie chick-flicks? You're not acting like yourself.'

"Well pardon me for having PTSD after the traumatising experience I just went through, Dr. Phil!"

'It was just a spider, jerk!'

"It was sitting on little me! For the second time in my life! What if it had bitten me?!"

'Dude, 'little me' seriously?'

"Shut up. It was traumatic."

'Whatever. Baby.'

...

"So are you just going to sit over there drinking your girly smoothie all day or are you going to get out the map and make yourself useful?"

'Hey! Since when are smoothies girly, Mr. Heart-attack-waiting-to-happen? Map for what?'

"Whenever they're strawberry and adorned with a frilly umbrella. I think the brain-freeze has gone to your head...the map for our route to _Tulsa_, idiot!"

'Healthier than double chocolate extra large milkshakes, though. Oh… right.

"Hey...don't diss my chocolate."

'Oookaay. Not even gonna go there…'

"Just look at the map, bitch."

'Fine, jerk.'

...

"Where d'you wanna stop for supper?"

'I feel like pizza…'

"Sounds great! Triple meat with extra onions and black olives...mmmm mmmm, good!"

'Yep, heart-attack waiting to happen.'

"I'll have you know that I am in perfect condition."

'Yeah, we-ell…'

"Oh stuff it, Salad-Boy. It's a wonder you're not skinny as a rail, given that you eat like a girl. Where did Dad and I go wrong?!"

'I just don't wanna end up with a stomach the size of a beach ball and die via a coronary, thanks…'

"I'm not pregnant, you ass!"

'Eugh! Gross! _There's _one image I could have done without, Schwarzenegger!"

"Then why did you picture it, you little pervert?"

'You brought it up! UGH!"

"Right. Moving on..."

'_Please_."


	10. Good Morning To You

.

* * *

'Sam? Are you awake…?'

"No."

'Yes you are, you answered me. Come on, dude, we've got to get on the road.'

"Don't wanna."

'Don't wanna' my ass. Now get the hell up before I make you.'

"Tired. Make me."

'Dude. What the hell!? You're NEVER tired. Or at least not enough to actually get off your laptop and get some sleep.'

"Well I am now."

'Why? What's wrong…?'

"What's with the Spanish Inquisition? You're the one who's always nagging and mother-henning me about sleep."

'Yeah, sure, ignoring the 'mother hen' comment. But I wanna kick some supernatural sonuvabitch's ass. Some time TODAY, preferably.'

"Did you bring coffee?"

'Course.'

"Good. You can sit and drink that while I sleep."

'You idiot. I don't need it, you clearly do.'

"Weren't you just yelling at me the other day about overdosing on caffeine?"

'Yeah, so?'

"God, Dean. At this rate I might as well get up...AND STOP SMIRKING!"

'Make me, bitch.'

"Screw you."

'I'd rather you didn't.'

"EEEEWWWW! Dean! Gross! Thank you for scarring me for life. Almost walking in on you and that blond checkout girl in the men's was bad enough, but I think my brain needs to be bleached with a scour!"

'Anytime, dude, anytime.'

"No...that's just wrong. Oh my eyes! I think I'm gonna puke..."

'You puke in my Baby and you're _walking _to Ohio!"

"This is all your fault!"

"What? You're the one that said it, you repressed pervert."

"But do you really have to make _everything _into something dirty, Dean? Name me one..._one _conversation we've had that didn't involve you attempting to scar me for life."

"I didn't do that when you were laid up in the hospital that time you got caught by a vampire-mimic and tried to imitate a sieve."

"Yeah you did."

"No I didn't."

"Dean, you asked me why something that was undead would need a condom since they don't have a blood flow anymore."

"You laughed."

"After my virgin eyes were scalded."

"Virgin? Ha! You were 17...try lying out of the other side of your mouth, Sammy."

"...fair enough. But still, Dean, what the hell?"

"Well Cosmopolitan does say that the average man thinks of sex at least once every three minutes."

"Dude. What were _you _doing reading Cosmopolitan?"_  
_

"Nothing."

"Uh-huh. Dean?"

"Fine! I was doing research."

"For what, a job?"

"Sort of, kinda, in a manner of speaking."

"Dude, what sort of job would require you to read _that_? Some demon that bangs people to death or something?"

"Now who's being crude?"

"Now who's avoiding the question?"

"Fine, fine. I saw an article - 9 Things Women Want That Men Don't Know About - and I thought it might give me some insight into the female mind and...Sammy! Stop laughing!"

"Sorry, sorry...kinda. It's just funny."

'Shut up.'

"No problem. I'll just go back to sleep."

'What's caused you to be one of the seven dwarves, Sleepy? Or is it Dopey…?'

"At least I'm not Grumpy."

"Well, Monica is Sexy…'

"Huh?"

'Never mind. You're awake now. Move your ass, Dopey. We're moving out!'

"Why? Where's the fire? (Aside from up your butt, that is.)"

'_Dude_. Its ten already. Unless you're dying, GET THE HELL UP! And no, flopping on top of the covers doesn't count.'

"Fine. Anything in for breakfast besides stale poptarts?"

'Nope. 'Sides, stale poptarts are practically the Winchester tradition!'

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You'd better not have eaten all the strawberry ones."

Ha! Well, you should've got up earlier, then I wouldn't have eaten most of the chocolate ones!'

...

"So whab job bare we on doday?"

"Gross, dude. And you talk about _my _eating habits? Don't talk with your mouth full!"

"Sorry. What job are we on today?"

"Um… demon omens in Butler County, PA. Ash texted me."

"Great. Lovely. Well, let's get going. I'll eat on the way."

'Please don't crumb up Baby.'

"Do I ever?"

'Yeah, dude. You either crumb her up or gas her out.'

"Shut up...that was you scorching the upholstery after Bobby's chili."

'Dude, I wasn't the one with a hole in my pants over my a-hole…'

"I was cursed! That damn coven in Louisiana...that was _so _not my fault. What's your excuse, huh?"

'Bobby's chilli.'

"That's no excuse for grossing out a skunk on the hunt."

'Dude, there ain't no way I'm having this conversation with you right now.'

"You started it."

'Yeah, well, now I'm finishing it.'

"Uh-huh. You just don't want to admit I'm right. Even Bobby's _dog _looked rather nonplussed."

'Shut up, bitch.'

...

"Anyway. What did Ash say about these demon signs?"

'That it's just a normal old exorcism and go.'

"When has it ever been just a normal exorcism for us?"

'True...'

* * *

**Reviews are greatly appreciated. Suggestions are welcomed. :)**


	11. Oh My God, Castiel!

.

* * *

Dean…? Is this you? Did I press the correct buttons? - Cas

Ummm, Cas? Everything okay? - SW

I was just trying out a text message. - Cas

Oh, well, want me to contact Dean for you? - SW

Sam? No, don't want you, where is Dean? - Cas

Gee thanks, Cas, I'm really feeling the love here. - SW

Dean! Get your ass out of whatever bartender's bed it's currently parked in. Your angel is paging... - SW

Were you meant to be 'feeling the love'…? - Cas

I don't page. I just wanted him and got your assbutt number instead. - Cas

Uhhhh...Cas? Are you hitting on my brother? ;) - DW

DEAN! Get your damn mind out of the gutter just for ONE SECOND?! - SW

No, why would I waste my time doing THAT? - Cas.

Oh, Dean, I need to tell you something. Preferably alone. - Cas

Cas? What's shaking? - DW

Nothing is shaking, though there is probably a tectonic plate shifting somewhere on this planet. - Cas

Yeah. Don't mind me. I'll just...go off to my corner and...do something. - SW

Oh God...not the virtual puppy-eyes. I _swear_, Sammy! - DW

Don't you read or something? Hey, Sam, I found a website! Ever heard of Busty Asian Beauties dot Com? - Cas.

DEAN! Did you just corrupt an Angel of the Lord with your cheap porn?! - SW

...maybe. - DW

Not maybe. Most definitely. - Cas.

Oh my God. - SW

XD - DW

I don't understand what 'XD' means... - Cas

It's supposed to be a 'laughing so hard I'm pissing myself' face. - DW

Why would you want to do that? That was so funny as to induce lack of control over the urinary system, was it? - Cas

Uhhhh... - DW

Is that really all you humans can do when you cannot voice what you are thinking? - Cas

Ignore him, Cas, he's probably a bit drunk and into...erm...afterglow right now. Can I take a message? - SW

You're not my freakin' secretary, Sammy. Relax! Go have a beer or something. - DW

And no I'm not drunk! - DW

Afterglow? I don't know what that means. - Cas.

Uhhh... - SW

He means I got lucky tonight, Cas. - DW

And 'got lucky' means what…? - Cas

UHHH... - SW

Ignore the blushing maiden, Cas. Remember our little visit to Chastity's den a...gosh was it only a year ago? - DW

Still don't understand why someone named Chastity would be at a brothel… - Cas

YOU TOOK CASTIEL TO A BROTHEL?! - SW

Yeah. Wasn't going to let the poor guy die a virgin. - DW

Oh my God...we're going to Hell. Again. - SW

Well it's not like my efforts did much good. - DW

Well, I could put word in and get you two redemption if you would only ask? - Cas

You already 'raised me from Perdition', what more do you want? - DW

I think the list is a bit too long, Cas. - SW

Yes, I did. Why do you think I need constant reminder? - Cas

What list? - Cas

...never mind. _Don't _get him started on a guilt trip! - DW

Guilt trip? I have never heard it being called that before… - Cas

Cas. You've been part of Earth's garrison for _how _many years...? - DW

I still don't understand that reference. - Cas

Yeah, well, you're not exactly up on your pop culture, are you? - DW

What was it you wanted to tell me again? I've said goodbye to Allie or Annie or whatever her name was, so it's safe to apparate down and tell me in person, you know, if you don't want to use up your minutes. - DW

Why are you saying that like its a bad thing? - Cas

Its not Anna, is it? I thought you said Michael killed her. And what the hell is 'apparate'? - Cas

That's a reference to Harry Potter, Cas. - SW

Who is he? - Cas

I slept with Anna once..._once_! And then she tried to kill Sam, so I'm not exactly feeling the attraction even in retrospective any more. - DW

You slept with an angel? - SW

Knowing you, she is a person in a skirt, so I would not be surprised if you went for round two… - Cas

Yes, he did, in the back of your car too, I believe. - Cas

Cas? Have you been watching the pizza man again? You haven't been taking lessons from _Meg _have you?! 0.o - SW

Uhhh...thanks for that mental image, Sammy. I think my eyes are burned out. - DW

I can arrange the real thing for you Dean. - Cas

And Meg doesn't teach me anything… much. - Cas

Christo. - DW

Why are you invoking the name of Christ? - Cas

That makes Meg flinch, you know. - Cas

I was...I was...I was joking. About the pizza man. I was _joking_! - SW

Oh my God. - DW

I never can tell whenever someone is or isn't joking… - Cas

And don't take the name of the LORD in vain. - Cas

Clearly. - SW

Just...damn! - DW

Whatever is the matter, Dean? - Cas

Did you at least use protection? - DW

Because the last thing we need is a bunch of Nephilim/Antichrist kids walking around. - DW

What is 'protection'? - Cas

OH MY GOD! - DW

Though Meg did say that it was 'okay because I'm on the pill. The demon version, anyway.' I don't really know what that means… - Cas

Sammy...I hate to say this...but your 'Megstiel' comment might have come true. Happy? - DW

I'll let you know as soon as I come out of shock. - SW

Our little Cas, giving it up to a demon of all things. Who would have thought! - DW

I'm not your little Cas. I am a Soldier Of The Lord who has been around long before you were even thought of, Dean. - Cas

Awww, isn't he adorable, Sammy? I'm so proud! - DW

Only _you'd _be proud of corrupting a servant of Heaven, Dean. Sometimes I really wonder about you. - SW


	12. Stand-Up Comedians?

.

* * *

Are you two done at the Redbox yet? Because the pizza's getting cold. - AM

Pizza tastes best served cold. - DW

Dean! That just defeats the whole point! We're about five minutes away, Adam. We'll be there soon. - SW

Oh, so now there needs to be a point to eat pizza? You really are a MAJOR nerd. And pain in the ass, I might mention. - DW

Whatever. Just like you mention hourly. Just shut up and drive, jerk. - SW

Geeze. You two fight like an old married couple. - AM

And I think I found a UFO under my bed. - AM

Occupational hazard, Adam, buddy. Especially when you have a pain in the ass younger brother who'll tell you exactly why that isn't a UFO you just found. 3… 2… 1… - DW

That can't be a UFO, because aliens are not out there, and if they were, what's up with Area 51- Dean, why are you laughing so hard…? You're gonna crash the car!- SW

Oh my God...you two should go into stand-up comedy. Maybe you'd finally put Gallagher out of business (he's still in, right? He wasn't assassinated or anything while I was downstairs?) - AM

Unidentified Food Object, Sam. I think it used to be part of a Twinkie? Maybe... - AM

Nobody could put Gallagher outta business. Until the dude dies, he's still gonna be there… - DW

We coudn't go into stand-up comedy. Who'd be around to save asses like yours, then, Adam?- SW

Good point, Professor Sam. Cool, Adam! Is it green?! - DW

DEAN! Stop encouraging him to eat in the bedroom! And stop glaring at me. Look at the road rather. - SW

One more comment about my driving, and you're WALKING the rest of the way to no pizza to come home to, cold or not! - DW

No it's not green. It's more sorta...blueish? And no, I didn't leave it there. It's your fault for picking us a 'rent by the hour' place. You got something against Holiday Inn? - AM

And about saving my ass... - AM

* * *

**TBC...**


	13. 101 Problems

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_Are you two done at the Redbox yet? Because the pizza's getting cold. - AM_

_Pizza tastes best served cold. - DW_

_Dean! That just defeats the whole point! We're about five minutes away, Adam. We'll be there soon. - SW_

_Oh, so now there needs to be a point to eat pizza? You really are a MAJOR nerd. And pain in the ass, I might mention. - DW_

_Whatever. Just like you mention hourly. Just shut up and drive, jerk. - SW_

_Geeze. You two fight like an old married couple. - AM_

_And I think I found a UFO under my bed. - AM_

_Occupational hazard, Adam, buddy. Especially when you have a pain in the ass younger brother who'll tell you exactly why that isn't a UFO you just found. 3… 2… 1… - DW_

_That can't be a UFO, because aliens are not out there, and if they were, what's up with Area 51- Dean, why are you laughing so hard…? You're gonna crash the car!- SW_

_Oh my God...you two should go into stand-up comedy. Maybe you'd finally put Gallagher out of business (he's still in, right? He wasn't assassinated or anything while I was downstairs?) - AM_

_Unidentified Food Object, Sam. I think it used to be part of a Twinkie? Maybe... - AM_

_Nobody could put Gallagher outta business. Until the dude dies, he's still gonna be there… - DW_

_We coudn't go into stand-up comedy. Who'd be around to save asses like yours, then, Adam?- SW_

_Good point, Professor Sam. Cool, Adam! Is it green?! - DW_

_DEAN! Stop encouraging him to eat in the bedroom! And stop glaring at me. Look at the road rather. - SW_

_One more comment about my driving, and you're WALKING the rest of the way to no pizza to come home to, cold or not! - DW_

_No it's not green. It's more sorta...blueish? And no, I didn't leave it there. It's your fault for picking us a 'rent by the hour' place. You got something against Holiday Inn? - AM_

_And about saving my ass... - AM_

* * *

Do we have something against Holiday Inn? Uh...yes! The huge expensiveness of the damn place, not to mention all the security cameras.! Who do you think you are, the frikkin' president or something?! - SW

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex, cool your guns! Give the guy a break, he's been in Hell for God-knows-how-long! Geeze! Its blue, Adam, really? Wow! - DW

Yeah, Dean, thanks for the reminder. And you two don't have to talk down to me, you know, seeing as how I'm technically older than both of you combined. - AM

What movie are we going to watch over our cold pizza and warm beer? - AM

Uh… - DW

A Classic! 101 Dalmatians! - SW

SAM! - DW

101 Dalmatians? Are you serious? - AM

My thoughts EXACTLY, bro! - DW

What…? - SW

I don't want to watch freakin' cutesy puppies frolicking about! Gimme some good old action any day! What about Goldfinger or You Only Live Twice or something a bit less..._cute_. - AM

Tell me this was all Sam's idea, Dean! - AM

But its showing on the TV for free tonight! We don't need to rent anything! - SW

Oh, yeah, it was all Samantha's idea. ALL. HIS. IDEA. - DW

I hate you two, you know? A man busts himself out of Hell and all he has to look forward to is a bunch of animated dalmatians. Really? That's the best you can do?! - AM

Dude! I feel your pain! But Sam's the one with the cash at the moment. I used my last ten bucks to fuel Baby. - DW

Uh, well, when _I_ got out, I had to sit through Twilight (in my defence, I was soulless). So shut up and deal, you've got a good choice! - SW

Twilight? What the hell is that? - AM

Well its a teen chick flick that has vampsasjnaginniasdf..askdfnaii9asg - SW

Believe me, bro, be GLAD you don't know! - DW

DEAN! Don't EVER take my phone away from me again like that! Ever! - SW

Geeze, dude, calm down. All I did was… negotiate it from your hands. Drama Queen… - DW

I thought you were supposed to be driving, Dean. If you crash Baby I'm going to be seriously pissed-off. - AM

Sam. What were you doing watching a chick-flick? - AM

I am! What d'you think, being a hunter all your life means you can't multi-task? Gimme a break! - DW

Oh… uh… - SW

Well done, Adam! Not even talking about his - lack of - relationships gets him this squirmy! - DW

Shut. The. Hell. Up. - SW

No no, Sam, I really want to hear this story. I mean...I know you were soulless and all that, but really? What the hell?! - AM

Whooooo! That bitchface could knock Crowley flat on his back! You should see it, Adam! - DW

I don't care what you want to hear, Adam. That's not open for discussion. - SW

Gee. You two really know how to make a guy feel loved. First you threaten me with holy water, then you pick out the shittiest hotels in existence, offer nothing better than 101 freakin' Dalmatians to watch, and then you say you don't care what I want? I'm really feeling the love for this poor, beleaguered Hell-boy here! - AM

Uh, one thing Adam. 'Guy' not 'guys'. The poor, pissed off, puppy sitting next to me here…- DW

Shut up, Dean, I'm NOT a puppy! - SW

Thought that statement went well with the present conversation… - DW

Oh my God. - AM

The least you two could do is bring me some decent movies. What about Ghostrider? Nicholas Cage is preferable to 101 freakin' Dalmatians! - AM

Cas wouldn't approve of you 'using the Lord's name in vain' like that. - DW

No, I wouldn't. - Cas

Holy shit, Cas! You just scared the crap outta me! Geeze! - DW

Ghostrider? Uh, no…- - SW

…HELL NO! - DW

Why _not_? At least Ghostrider has kick-ass special effects and no freakin' dalmatians! - AM

Oh. Hello, Castiel. Tell my two idiot brothers to get their damn asses in shape and stop starving me of any semblance of manliness? - AM

Sam won't even let me have a skin mag. That 'sexy devil' looked interesting too. - AM

I don't understand - Cas

Because of all the Hell references! - SW

Because of all the Hell references! - DW

Oh come on! Give me some credit! - AM

What...you think I'm some swooning maiden?! - AM

Cas? How d'you feel about smiting some Winchester ass? - AM

* * *

**TBC...**


	14. Bitch, Jerk, Brat

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_Oh my God. - AM_

_The least you two could do is bring me some decent movies. What about Ghostrider? Nicholas Cage is preferable to 101 freakin' Dalmatians! - AM_

_Ghostrider? Uh, no…- - SW_

_…HELL NO! - DW_

_Why not? At least Ghostrider has kick-ass special effects and no freakin' dalmatians! - AM_

_Oh. Hello, Castiel. Tell my two idiot brothers to get their damn asses in shape and stop starving me of any semblance of manliness? - AM_

_Sam won't even let me have a skin mag. That 'sexy devil' looked interesting too. - AM_

_Because of all the Hell references! - SW_

_Because of all the Hell references! - DW_

_Oh come on! Give me some credit! - AM_

_What...you think I'm some swooning maiden?! - AM_

_Cas? How d'you feel about smiting some Winchester ass? - AM_

* * *

No, I think you're my little brother who needs a break. - SW

Yeah! What he said! - DW

I cannot smite them. I am not permitted or granted access to do so. - Cas

Goddammit, Cas. - AM

I've had a damn break! You're even making me write in a freakin' journal (and yes, it is a journal...not a 'diary', you jerk)! - AM

Couldn't we at least do James Bond? - AM

Yes, you do, you just spent a lifetime in perdition. Now shut up, we're almost there. - SW

And remember, we are still your big brothers. If we say you need to have something, you need it! - DW

No. You're a couple of mother hens. - AM

EXCUSE ME?! - DW

EXCUSE ME?! - SW

You heard me. A couple of over-sized, plaid-wearing, gun-toting smother-mother hens. - AM

Right, Cas? - AM

What are 'mother-hens'? - Cas

Sam and Dean, that's what. - AM

You little pipsqueak! I'm gonna come kick your ass when we get home! - DW

Sorry for trying to do what's best for you, idiot. - SW

Hey, hey, hey...I'm not the one who is going all over-protective and barring me from watching even freakin' Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame! C'mon, guys, you're just a little bit over-protective? I mean - I've looked after myself for quite some time. Gimme some credit! - AM

Not that I don't appreciate it...but really, all these chick-flick moments?! - AM

Sam and Dean do not look like female chickens, and I hope to Father in Heaven that they are not mothers either… - Cas

EXACTLY, Cas! - SW

Thank you, Cas! Chick flick moments? What chick flick moments? Sam, you se any chick flick moments? - DW

… No, not all. Dammit Dean, why'd you have to hit me?! - SW

That's...not what...I meant? - AM

Good God, Cas, _how _do you manage to look after Earth for so many years and yet still be this oblivious?! - AM

_Dean_! Don't hit Sam while you're driving. What if you crashed Baby?! - AM

I am being oblivious? - Cas

Dude, who's being a long-distance backseat driver?! - DW

Dude! It's bad enough that you're texting and driving (have they made that illegal yet?) but try to keep the physical violence down? You can only do so many things at a time, after all. - AM

I give up, Brat! Who the hell is the kind of leader round here?! - DW

Adam…he's going as red as a tomato… - SW

Hmmm...interesting. Did he get sunburnt again? At least it isn't on the tushie this time...- AM

...is it?! - AM

I don't think its quite sunburn… - SW

Damn. And here I was hoping that I would have to drive Baby again... - AM

Not if l can help it bro… - DW

*lets lower lip tremble* But...but...but _Dean_! You're already making me watch 101 Damnations with emo Sammy commentating _and _drink warm beer _and _eat cold pizza _and _write in a stinking journal about the years you left me in Hell. Couldn't I just take Baby out for a little, wee spin? - AM

You brat... - DW


	15. You Put The Devil In Me

.

* * *

Clarence? Have you ditched the Brothers Grimm yet? - Meg

My name is not Clarence, Meg. - Cas

Ever hear of a nickname, you dummy? - Meg

Nick…name? I've heard of it. - Cas

Oh my God...would it kill you to stop by the drug-store and read a book or two? How many years did you say you've been watching this damn planet?! - Meg

Since it was created. Why? - Cas

You've been watching over Earth since it was created and you still haven't taken time to watch _It's A Wonderful Life_?! - M

What is that? Some sort of illness? - Cas

Oh sweet Father in Hell! That's it. We're having a movie night. Just you and me, Clarence. Hotel room 119 in Orange Flats, California...in about six minutes. I'll bring the movie, you supply the feather pillows. - Meg

I can assure you, your father is not sweet. He is in Hell, though. Movie night? Why? Are you wanting to court me or something? - Cas

Keep talking all courtly like that, makes my meatsuit so tingly. - Meg

Now are you doing a flirting thing again? - Cas

Something like that, yeah. Why don't you order some pizza too? - Meg

The real kind. I'm hungry. - Meg

Um… okay. I'll ask Dean where to find some of that… - Cas

Dean? What EXACTLY is pizza, and where can I find some? - Cas

What the hell? - DW

Dean. Pizza. What is it and where can I locate some? - Cas

Uhhhh...Cas? This really isn't a good time to be asking about Italien pies. - DW

Why not? - Cas

Because Sammy and I are busy. Why don't you ask Meg, since you two are getting so cozy? - DW

Or wait...are you buying this pizza _for Meg_?! - DW

Fine since you are being like that, you leave me no choice… - Cas

Sam? What is a pizza, and where do I locate one? - Cas

Bit...busy...Cas! - SW

Do you know anything about killing Kelpies? - SW

They are wet, slimy and evil. - Cas

No, _DUH!_ - DW

OW! - SW

DAMMIT! - DW

Clarence...the beer is getting warm! - Meg

Sam…? - Cas

Dean? Are you two alright? - Cas

Just wait a second, Megan. - Cas

The name's Meg, Clarence. Meg or Megara...not Megan. - Meg

We're fine, Cas. - DW

Sort of... - SW

Just look in the damn phone book? - DW

Well then the name is Cas or Castiel. Not Clarence. - Cas

Good. It would not have been enjoyable if one of you were hurt badly. - Cas

How do I use one of those? - Cas

You know it gives a girl all sorts of nasty ideas when you get sassy like that, Clarence. - Meg

Goddammit, Cas! - DW

You look up the number you want and then you dial it. Tell 'em what you want and when you want it, use that credit card Dean set up for you, and then pop over and pick it up. - SW

Sassy? - Cas

Do not use the Lord's name in vain like that, Dean! - Cas

Breaking Dean of his swearing habit is a lost cause, Cas, you should...LOOK OUT, DEAN! - SW

Okay, Sam. Let's go in. - DW

We're fine Cas. Go flutter off and look up a decent pizza place. We're going to kill a Kelpie. - DW

All right. How do I know what to choose…? - Cas

Meg, what pizza do you want? - Cas

Mmmm...anything with meat on it. - Meg

Better pick up some pop while you're at it. I think I'm in the mood for Sprite mixes tonight. - Meg

There is something here called 'pepperoni'? - Cas

Sprite? - Cas

Just read the labels, you ridiculous tree-topper! - Meg

And pepperoni would be fine. - Meg

Why am I a tree-topper? - Cas

All right. Pepperoni it is…what size? - Cas

As big as they come, Precious Moments. - Meg

Extra Large? Why are you calling me all these pointless names? - Cas

Because I like to ruffle your feathers. - Meg

How? I did not leave feathers anywhere this time, as far as I am aware. - Cas

_God_, you angels! Just get the pizza and zap your feathery ass over here before I start without you? - Meg

I do not have feathers on my...I do not understand why you keep referring to them like that. - Cas

Oh shut up and come over here. - Meg

I'm on my w-… look behind you. - Cas

...

"There you are, Clarence! I was beginning to think you'd been beamed up or something"

'Meg. I got the pizza and pop. Beamed up? I don't understand that reference.'

"Never mind, you feather-brained tree-topper. C'mere! I want my pizza and we need to watch a movie!"

'I'm not a tree-topper. Here, your Italian pie, my lady.'

"Many thanks, my good benefactor, sir. Now shut up. The movie is starting."

'What is that horrible noise?!'

"What horrible noise?"

'Oh, Father in Heaven, that's worse than the normal caterwauling that comes out of Impala's speakers!'

"What? What's got your feathers in a bunch?"

'You have an odd fixation with my wings.'

"Didn't seem to bother you last time, Clarence. Now spill. What's so horrible?"

'That music. It was horrible.'

"It was just a commercial, silly. Now be good or no pizza for you."

'Am I being bad?'

"Mmmmhmmm. You're my bad, bad angel."

'Your angel…?'

"Well I'm stuck with you, Feathers, so yeah. Might as well."

'Okay…'

"Oh shut up. This movie always makes me sentimental. Pass me the vodka before I puke in my mouth, would you?"

'What is this movie anyway? Vodka? Okay. Do you have any beer?'

"_It's A Wonderful Life_, once we get past these damn commercials. And yes there's beer. It's probably warm, though."

'These commercials were rather informative, though. I'm going to tell Dean about that car polish. Found the beer. Its not that warm…'

"Just don't go getting yourself too smashed. We don't want another molting incident, do we?"

'Same to you. Vodka is stronger than beer, I've discovered.'

"Oh, was little Cas on a booze-tasting expedition?"

'No. I found a liqueur store.'

"And then what?"

'I drank it..._Meg_! Why are you laughing?'

"Anybody ever tell you that you're adorable when you're flustered?"

'The drink must be going to your head.'

"Hey, hey, hey...you worry about yourself, Clarence. I can hold my liqueur!"

'And I can also hold my alcohol.'

"Mmmmhmmm. Suuuure."

'Why do I have the feeling there is hidden meaning in those two words?'

"Tell you what, Feathers. Let's play a little game. One shot every time Old Man Potter does something gloriously rotten and one shot any time something goes wrong in George's life. Double shots if the two are combined. You in?"

'Do I have a choice?'

"Don't play so reluctant. You know you wanna..."

'Okay. Let's do it.'

"Good boy. And if you beat me, I may even let you steal a kiss before the night is over."

'You will?'

"We've got a drinking game to play first. Bottoms up!"

'Bottoms…up?'

"Just take a shot. George fell into the water."

'O-kay…'


	16. Agape?

.

* * *

'Sammy? Are you in the bathroom?'

"Yes. Go away. Can't a man take a leak in peace?"

'In happier times, yes, but we have bigger fish to fry.'

"Well it can wait...what's so pressing anyway?"

'The end of days is nigh, the final problem introduced!'

"What the hell? Dean, are you drunk?"

'What? NO!"

"It's kinda early in the morning for that, dude. Even for us."

'I'm not drunk.'

"Then why are you attempting to have a doomsday discussion with me through the bathroom door. You're kinda giving me stage fright here."

'Don't be crude.'

"You're the creep chatting to me while I'm in the john."

'I have a question of vital importance that cannot be ignored.'

"Fine. What?"

'Sam. Did you eat the last slice of pizza?'

"Wha?"

'Did you?'

"Why are you asking me this now? It's childish. Couldn't it have waited a few seconds?"

'No. Did you?'

"Why do you care?"

'Because I was going to eat that for breakfast, Sam. Now did you eat it?'

"What? Hell no! That thing's dripping more grease than a pubescent athelete's hair!"

'Thank you for that lovely image, Sammy.'

"Anytime. My pleasure."

'Yeah, right, I bet it is. Still on your rabbit-food health binge… seriously, how the hell do you stay upright during the day on some leaves and a carrot?'

"First of all it's not 'some leaves'...it's called arugula. And there was chicken with it, thank you very much!"

'A-what-ula? C'mon, surely stuff that tastes that crappy isn't supposed to be eaten by anything but rabbits! As for the chicken? Yeah, like three pieces, with a whole freaking garden underneath them…!'

"It's a type of lettuce, Dean. No different than what you have on your Burger King Whoppers. And eating salads has served me just fine...or do I have to remind you who is the taller brother in this relationship?"

'You might be taller, Samantha The Giraffe, but who normally wins the sparring sessions, hmm…?'

"In the brawn department, maybe..."

'Maybe? I'll have you know that I am quite buff. Just because I can't reach the top shelf, doesn't mean you're better than me, Giraffe!'

"Shorty!"

'Sasquatch!'

"Hobbit!"

'Nerd!'

"Pig!"

'Rabbit!'

"Creeper!"

'Samantha!'

''Deanna!''

'Bitch!'

"Jerk."

'Oh shut up and hurry up in there. What...are you whacking or something?"

"EW! Damn it, Dean, just _one _conversation without you bringing in your deviant side, please?"

'Hurry up. I need to pee!'

"What are you...four?"

'No. I need the can and I'm hungry because _someone _ate the leftovers."

"Fine. But I didn't eat the last slice of pizza. Sure you weren't sleep-eating again?"

'Again? What...projecting your freaking habits onto me or something, Sammy?'

"Hey! I'm not the one who eats onion rings where there's more of the grease and less of the onions. And then stink up the car for the next 100 miles."

'Okay, we are _so _not having that argument again. You eat burritos, I eat onions, and we shut up about it.'

"Whatever. There. You can have the bathroom now to gel your hair, oh your royal prissiness."

'Geeze, Sammy, I'm feeling the love. Did you get any sleep last night?'

"A little, why?"

'Because you're twice as bitchy than usual.'

"Right, yeah, thanks."

'You know what I meant!'

"I'll just go get us some breakfast then. Anything you want besides coffee?"

'Doughnuts. None of your egg and mushroom wraps!'

"I wasn't planning on getting them. But I'll pick up some doughnuts."

'And muffins or something. Food, Sam. It's important. Especially for freakishly over-sized mooses like you.'

"'Mooses' isn't a word, Dean."

'My point still stands. Get your nose out of that damn laptop long enough to eat something. You're no use to me half dead.'

"Do I smell a chick-flick moment coming on?"

'No. Just a royal ass-kicking if you don't get your ass in gear. Remember...I'm the big brother here and that means I know best.'

"Whatever helps you make it through the day, Dean."

'_Sammy_.'

"See ya, Dean!"

...

'Dammit.'


	17. Insanity Is Infectious

.

* * *

What's up, bitches? - CW

Uh… - SW

Bit busy right now, Charlie! - DW

Ooo...busy with what? - CW

A freaking big-ass demon, maybe?! - DW

Ah. So...book walking through Ithilien busy or movie battle for Hogwarts busy? - CW

Battle for freaking Hogwarts, busy, Genius! - DW

… - DW

Okay, sorted. -DW

What's up, Charlie? - SW

Can't a girl text her favourite lumbering lumberjacks every once and a while just for fun? - CW

And I just wanted to let you know, Dean, that I have another car for you to fix up. I had to...relocate the old one. The fuzz caught up with me, bastards. So I stole a new one. - CW

'Lumbering lumberjacks'? That's the best you can come up with? - DW

Hang on. Dean, hang on a second… Charlie, where does the 'W' in your initals come from…? - SW

Dude, we're fresh out of battle, and you go freaking Sherlock Holmes on me?! - DW

Bro, its not like we were fighting for Asgard or something! - SW

No, just some people's lives! Where does Asswipe come in anyway? - DW

Asgard, Dean. _Ass-guard_! - SW

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE ASGARD COMES IN?! Dean Winchester! I am ashamed of you! What rock have you been living under?! - CW

What, have I just violated some geek code, or something? - DW

Uh, yeah, kinda, Dean. Jerk. - SW

Okay, boys, sit your asses down and listen to Charlie. - CW

Asgard, for your information, _Dean_, is the fictional realm of the Norse gods. It was re-interpreted in the Marvel comics and recently immortalised in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as the home of Thor and his brother, Loki. They're gods! They're icons! _How _can you not know this?! - CW

No, no, no, no. Loki is a trickster angel, aka Gabriel. He made Sam sit through God-knows-how-many Tuesdays, FOR HIS ENJOYMENT. - DW

Yeah, I think Dean thinks there's some Thor in him somewhere. Big, beefy and stupid? I can see it! - SW

Why thank yo- STUPID?! STUPID?! Excuse me, _Samantha..._HOW many times have I saved your scrawny, giraffe ass, buddy? - DW

Pff. Whatever. - SW

Roll your eyes any further back in your head, and you'll look like you've been possessed by Lilith… - DW

Gabriel? Loki? Not the same 'Gabe Laufeyson' that funded the re-issuing of the_Supernatural _books, is it? I _thought _that was a bit suspicious, but I assumed it was just a fanboyish pseudonym! - CW

And don't call Sam 'scrawny', Dean. He's the one that the illustrations make look like Favio. Save the 'scrawny' comments for Garth. - CW

And Lilith? Wasn't she the one noshing on poor, innocent little babies and trying to screw Sam in _The Monster At The End Of This Book_? - CW

Wait. THOSE BOOKS HAVE BEEN RE-ISSUED?! - SW

Yeah. For a couple of years now. Started back up with _Lazarus Rising _and then ended with _Swan Song_, though _Exile on Main Street _through _The Man Who Knew Too Much _is online for free, if you know where to look. - CW

Right, next stop Chuck's...wherever he disappeared to... to kick his ass! - DW

You didn't know?! - CW

No! - SW

Do we have ANY privacy?! - DW

No, we didn't! - SW

Son of a BITCH! - DW

Hey, dudes, cool your heels. It's not like it's a mainstream trend or anything like that. There's a couple of fan films hidden somewhere in the depths of YouTube, but the books are cult classics. Small fanbase, that sort of thing. - CW

Yeah, but that's still a fan too many… - SW

Anyway, Dean, about my car. It's been making a funny tapping sound for the past couple of days and now it's shuddering every time I turn to the left. D'you think I strained something when I was making my get-away? - CW

Possibly… have you hit anything at high speeds, or gone over a bump too fast? - DW

Hmmm. I don't think so. And, before you ask, I did check the Power Steering fluid. I'll head your way, though, so you can take a look at it. It's a red Camaro...have fun! - CW

Yoohoo! Enough with Chassis 101, you can talk about it on your next date, or whatever. I still wanna know why your initals are 'CW'. So spill, Charlie Brown. - SW

Oh, _that_. Well...remember how I said the cops caught up with me and I had to ditch my old car? - CW

Uh yeah. What has that got to do with anything? - SW

Weeeeelll...I may have lost my old aliases too. (Don't give me that look! Like you two have never slipped up while inebriated!) So I had to come up with a new one. - CW

Oh…_God_! - SW

Huh?! What the HELL?! - DW

I was drunk...it was MagCon weekend. - CW

Oh, thank God. I thought it was Winchester… - SW

What's wrong with Winchester, bitches? - CW

How drunk WERE you?! - DW

I don't know, Dean. There were Redshirt Shots and I was challenged to a drinking contest by a Sailor Jupiter cosplayer, accidentally introduced myself with that name. But I like it. - CW

* * *

**TBC...**


	18. But I Was Raised On Tolkien, Man!

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_What's up, bitches? - CW_

_I want to know why your initals are 'CW'. So spill, Charlie Brown. - SW_

_Oh, that. Well...remember how I said the cops caught up with me and I had to ditch my old car? - CW_

_Uh yeah. What has that got to do with anything? - SW_

_Weeeeelll...I may have lost my old aliases too. (Don't give me that look! Like you two have never slipped up while inebriated!) So I had to come up with a new one. - CW_

_Oh…God! - SW_

_Huh?! What the HELL?! - DW_

_I was drunk...it was MagCon weekend. - CW_

_Oh, thank God. I thought it was Winchester… - SW_

_What's wrong with Winchester, bitches? - CW_

_How drunk WERE you?! - DW_

_I don't know, Dean. There were Redshirt Shots and I was challenged to a drinking contest by a Sailor Jupiter cosplayer, accidentally introduced myself with that name. But I like it. - CW_

* * *

Redshirt Shots? You are SUCH a nerd, Spock! - DW

Nerd? Oh I know...it's a problem. I was born this way, though, so blame my mother. ;) - CW

And what's wrong with Winchester? I think it's an awesome, kick-ass name! - CW

Why do I get the feeling she's proud of it, Sammy? - DW

Because she is, Dean. That's the type of person she is. What do you expect from someone who was raised on Tolkien? - SW

Thank you. - CW

But she's more of a nerd than you are. How the hell is that possible? - DW

Dean… Shut up. - SW

Make me, Baby Bro. - DW

I would if you weren't driving… - SW

And Charlie? Why the hell are you using the name 'Winchester'?! - SW

Ha! Can you blame me whenever my two favourite people use the name? - CW

And I scored on Sailor Jupiter, so put that in and chew on it, Dean! - CW

Awww, we're your two favourite people? Oh, I'm touched. Aren't you, Sammy? - DW

Ye-es…? *rubbing sore spot* Why don't you save your power for whenever Cas comes over, rather than use it on me? - SW

Hey. Hey, no puppy dog eyes, Sammy. Not allowed. And who the HELL is Sexy Junior? - DW

DEAN! Sailor Jupitor! Earth to Dean, come back from Planet Porn! - SW

Hey! Just because I'm not a prude doesn't mean I have to think like one! - DW

Sexy Junior? Oh, you've seen that too?! - CW

Yes, I have! Awesome, huh? - DW

Mmmmhmmm. That one redhead was very flexible! - CW

Unbelievable! I give up! - SW

Prude. - DW

Man-whore. - SW

Whoa, dudes! Save the violent broment for later, okay? I don't want you two pasting your asses all over the highway because you were fighting and driving. - CW

I can handle it. - DW

Uh-huh...suuuure. - CW

So is 'Charlie' still your first name? - DW

Yeah. Couldn't really bear to change that again. Carrie just wasn't working for me. - CW

So it's 'Charlie Winchester'? - DW

Yup. - CW

I'm still not entirely happy about you using the name 'Winchester'. It's sort of bad luck. - SW

*shrugs* Because my luck has been SO good before I met my two favourite loons. - CW

Sam has a point...are we really your favourite loons? - DW

Yeah, boys, of course you're my two favourite people. You've only gotten my arm broken, my alias destroyed, and stopped me from banging a fairy...but you also saved me from a djinn, so I forgive you. :) - CW

Thanks, Charlie. - SW

Just take care of yourselves, you hear? I _swear_, going by the books, you two are absolutely, suicidally insane. I have half of a mind to move house over to that Bunker of yours, just to help keep you in line. Where there's a whip there's a way, after all. - CW

Must you make references to the animated LotR? - SW

Hey, hey, hey! Don't diss the singing orcs! - CW

I...you lost me. - DW

*static*

OWWWW! OW! Okay, bros, are you there? Just got off the rack and I'm waiting for my burns to heal. - AM

Oh, hi, Addy. How's it hanging? - DW

Adam, bro! How're you? - SW

Fine, considering my situation. Lucy and Michelle have gone back to the rack again. They were feeling lazy today... - AM

...who are you talking to? - AM

* * *

**TBC...**


	19. The Ping-Pong Game From Hell

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_OWWWW! OW! Okay, bros, are you there? Just got off the rack and I'm waiting for my burns to heal. - AM_

_Oh, hi, Addy. How's it hanging? - DW_

_Adam, bro! How're you? - SW_

_Fine, considering my situation. Lucy and Michelle have gone back to the rack again. They were feeling lazy today... - AM_

_...who are you talking to? - AM_

* * *

That's...Hell good. So you're been given a break? - SW

Yeah. It's not like they can do much more to me until my shredded bits grow back. You know how that goes. - AM

I do indeed. - SW

So. Who are you two yahoos talking to? There's all kind of stuff coming through the connection here. - AM

Um... it's just Charlie. That's who we're talking to... - DW

Charlie? - AM

Yeah. Charlie. Our tech girl and newely-christened Winchester, apparently. - DW

*lets lip tremble* You...you replaced me?! - AM

Aw, hell, Adam. That's not what happened. She's more of a pain-in-the-ass little sister than a pain-in-the-ass little brother. - DW

Yeah. We haven't replaced you. That'll never happen. - SW

Thanks. I'm all sunshine and roses and unicorns now. - AM

Hey Charlie! Meet Adam...we're putting you on conference. - SW

Adam? - CW

Our brother. - DW

_Half-_brother. - AM

From _Jump The Shark_? - CW

Right...I think. He's our little half-brother stuck in Hell for eternity. - SW

Hi! *waves* - AM

You mean you two haven't gotten him out yet?! - CW

Valid question. I like you. - AM

No, not yet. We cant get Cas to get his ass down there to get him and we don't want to mess with Death again (he may just reap us this time) and we've been a bit busy killing demons recently and running from God-knows-what-else! - DW

But we're working on it. - SW

Yeah. - DW

Oh no hurry, dudes. They're installing a Wolverine chamber for me to test out...like from that one movie. Maybe I'll get claws that I can use to slice and dice my way out! - AM

Oooo...you mean _X2_?! - CW

That's the one! - AM

Owch. Man...I'm sorry. - CW

Don't blame yourself. Blame Satan. - AM

Okay. - CW

Dean? What the hell? Seriously...how hard can it be to ask your celestial boyfriend to nip down into Hell and pull out your baby bro?! - CW

I'm not a baby! - AM

Cas is not my BOYFRIEND! - DW

So what's the 'more profound bond', huh? - SW

Shut up, teenie. - DW

If anyone is teenie, Dean, it's you! - SW

Would you STOP bringing up the height difference for once, please? - DW

Why? It's the only thing that I have that you don't! - SW

O...kay. I'm not going to touch the innuendos in THAT one with a twelve-inch pole! - AM

Heeheehee... - CW

Height difference, MORONS! Not...not THAT! GODAMMIT! - DW

*splutters* Uh...um...GOD! - SW

HAHAHAHA! - AM

Teeheeheehee...is Sam blushing? - CW

Probably. XD - AM

Who was the genius who introduced these two nutjobs, again? Why, I do believe it was you Sammy! - DW

Shut UP Dean, what was I SUPPOSED to do, huh?! Have two separate conversations with two people ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH?! - SW

I don't know! - DW

*highfive*, Adam! - CW

We. Are. Awesome! - AM

Oh brother! - DW

That's me! - AM

So, Adam, if you're Sam and Dean's brother...what's with the 'M' in your initials? - CW

Stands for 'Milligan'. - AM

Yeah, yeah, I _know _that. But why not 'Winchester'? - CW

Oh Cas' Fluffy White Wings! This was a mistake! - DW

Dean. Seriously? What's with the creative cuss, dude? - SW

None of your business, buddy. None at all. And we're the awesome. Mostly because of me! You think you're great because of some petty little remark, Adam, boy? Think again, that was Kindergarten level! - DW

Dean. Breathe. - SW

See, Charlie? That's why I don't use 'Winchester'. I don't want people thinking I'm an uncultured baboon. - AM

What d'you MEAN, Sammy? - DW

Dude. You do realise Cas doesn't have 'fluffy white wings' right? - SW

How do you know that, Sam? - Cas

Do… do you, Cas? - SW

He's a freaking angel, dude, of _course_ he has wings! - DW

Thank you Dean, but you are,in fact, incorrect. I only have corporal wings when I am in heaven, which I am not right now, thank Father in Heaven. - Cas

But are your wings actually white and fluffy? - SW

Yes. Why do you ask? - Cas

Ha! Told you! - DW

Damn. - SW

Hey Cas could you help us with something? - Sam

Cas? - SW

Cas? Answer, dammit! - DW

(Thank you, Dr. Bones...) - AM

Nice one, Adam! - CW

Wait wait. We're a couple of uncultured WHAT, Mr Adam-My-Ass-Is-Awesome? - DW

A bunch of baboons. - AM

*snort!* - CW

Well...not Sam. He has taste, even if it's a bit emo at times. - AM

And if he drinks girly shakes. - AM

Thank you…? - SW

Gee, thanks for the support, _Charlie_ - DW

Hey, hey, big guy. I'm not getting in the middle here. I'm too busy eating popcorn! - CW

Glad to know I never need to take you to the movies… - DW

*flips the bird* Just so we understand each other. ;) - CW

And we aren't a bunch of baboons, Pipsqueak. We're something WAY cooler. Something you are not. - DW

Oh? And what's that? - AM

Winchesters! - DW

Ha! I'm one too, Deano shmeano. I just don't use the name. - AM

Whatever, Brat. - DW

And you're right I'm not cool...I'm hot. It's freakin' BOILING down here! - AM

Like we said earlier. We're working on it, Adam. Cracking open Hell (especially that part) has to be done very carefully. Just hang in there. - SW

Sure, yeah. Whatever. Just give that angel of yours a kick in the ass and tell him to get his head out of it and move it. I think Lucifer is pissed off (more than usual) because Mikey just kicked him into the pirhana pit. Looks like I'm going to be freeze-dried again tonight. - AM

Damn! - CW

Adam, we're trying. But Cas has a lot of things on his plate right now and he doesn't always listen to us. - SW

And we're not doing another demon deal. - SW

Yeah. He's not our angel. - DW

Yeah, he is. Well...yours. - SW

No. He's not. - DW

Uh, yeah, he is. - SW

No. He. Is. Not. - DW

Yes, he is! - sW

Isn't! - DW

Is! - SW

Isn't! - DW

Is! - SW

Isn't! - DW

IS! - SW

Charlie? Could I borrow some of that popcorn? - AM

Sure thing, dude. It's like watching the ping-pong game from Hell! - CW

...sorry. - CW

Hehe, sorry. No offence? - CW

None taken. - AM

…Is! - SW

IS NOT! - DW

Is too! - SW

Is freaking NOT! - DW

Uh huh. Right. Suuure. - SW

Oh… shut up! - DW

Why? - SW

Because, thats wh- wait. Are you two clowns laughing at us? Are they, Sammy? I think they are. - DW

Us? Laugh at you? ...NEVER! XD - AM

Oh no. Not at all. - CW

Nopity, nopity, nope, nope. - AM

Yeah right. Whatever. - DW

So, Charlie, what're you up to for the rest of the week? - SW

I thought I'd head out and meet up with you lot so Dean can have a look at my new car. - CW

You got a new car? What kind? - AM

Well...I sort of stole it. And it's a Camaro. - CW

SWEET! What year? - AM

I don't know! I just saw it there with the keys in it, so I grabbed and ran. - CW

Oh. And we can also brainstorm about how to break Adam out of Hell, boys. It's about TIME someone did something about it - CW

Sounds good. You and Sammy talk business, I'm gonna find me some pie… - DW

Wha… DEAN! When will you stop thinking with the lower part of your body? - SW

When I die. For real. Now, there's a fine looking diner over there. Want anything? - DW

You to grow up? - SW

HEY! - DW

You're right, Charlie. It IS like watching a stand-up routine! - AM

When the hell did she ever say that? - SW

Hot looking waitress at two-o-clock! - DW

Screw you, Dean. - SW

She might, you know… - DW

DEAN! EW! - SW

Yuck! Dudes...I'm already in Hell. D'you have to scald my eyes with mental images too? - AM

Remind me why my best friends are a bunch of dudes again? - CW

But is she a blond or a brunette, Dean? - CW

She's a brunette, but with those blond streak things. *sends pic* - DW

Ooooo... - CW

They're called HIGHLIGHTS, Dean. You make them sound like go-faster stripes or something… SW

Headlights? Cool, Baby has those too! - DW

*banging head on window* You. Are. So. Stupid! And you do it ON PURPOSE! - SW

Oh God... - AM

Can you get me her number? - CW

Why the hell'd I do that?! - DW

Pretty please? - CW

I thought it was the big brother's duty to look out for his younger siblings...and that includes giving them the number of hot chicks. - AM

O-kay. Fine. I'll get you Crystal's number if she swings your way… - DW

She does. - CW

How d'you know? - DW

Highly probable. She's not checking you two out. - CW

...thanks? - SW

And stop ganging up on me, Adam! - DW

Hey, you said she's our pain-in-the-ass little sister! - AM

Awww...did you really say that, Dean?! - CW

Um, yeah, I think I did… - DW

Damn. All we need is for her ego to grow. Congratulations, _genius_. - SW

AWWWW... *flutters eyelashes* Love you guys too! - CW

So, Charlie, did you really take these two yahoos' last name? - AM

Say it like that and it sounds like I married them... - CW

Yeah, whatever, Charlie. - DW

We're not yahoos, _Milligan!_ - SW

Yeah. You are. Who was it that started the freakin' Apocalypse and then stopped it and who have died so many times that it's practically a running gag in Hell? - AM

Haha! - CW

Shut up, Adam. - DW

So. Charlie. The name? - AM

*shrugs* I liked it. Introduced myself while drunk one day to a very curvy Sailor Jupiter cosplayer and it just stuck. Needed a new alias anyway. - CW

Besides...it means I share initials with the _Vampire Diaries_ network AND Charlie Weasley! - CW

Heh. There's that too. - AM

Say...did _The Deathly Hallows_ movie ever actually get finished? - AM

Which part…? - SW

Either. It was my favourite book and I never got to see it. - AM

Ohhhh...POOR YOU! Dammit! Sam? Dean? We need to get this boy out NOW! - CW


	20. Nine Rings, Two Soulmates, And Castiel

.

* * *

Dear Castiel. We need your help. Please come, room 5 in the Crazy 8 Motel of Georgia. Amen - SW

HURRY! - SW

_"Yes? You called for me? What is it? Are you all right?"_

"Dammit, Cas, you nearly scared the crap out of me!"

"Don't swear in front of an angel, Dean."

_"It is physically impossible to scare the faecal matter out of a human body."_

"Shut it, angel. No one asked you."

_"But you said - "_

"Nothing personal, Cas."

Shhhh...just keep texting. You're not supposed to talk in a movie theater, so no talking here! - SW

"You're not supposed to text in a - "

SHHHH,_ Dean_! - SW

Oh. Right. Where am I...I thought I was going to a 'Crazy 8'? What is a 'movie theater?' - Cas

A place where you go to see movies. But you're in our motel room now. It even has a DVD player! - SW

Wait, so we are pretending we are in a 'movie theater' and watching some movie about circles here? In your room? - Cas

You got it, Cas. But movies 'bout rings. Not circles. More like one ring. Whatever. - DW

THE One Ring! - SW

I don't understand. - Cas

It's THE One Ring, forged in the fires of Mount Doom! - SW

Whatever. Nerd. - DW

I still don't understand. - Cas

_The Lord of the Rings_, Cas. Everyone needs to see this at some point in their life! - SW

You're gonna have Mount Doom on your ass at this rate, bro. - DW

Why? - Cas

Shut up, Dean. The opening credits are rolling! - SW

...

Deeeean! Stop juggling the popcorn! - SW

Dude. Where'd the whiny three year old come from?! - DW

What in Heaven are THOSE?! - Cas

Those are called Nazgul, Cas. Black Riders. They are servants of the Dark Lord, corrupted by their usage of the Nine Rings for Mortal Men. - SW

And I'm NOT whining! - SW

'Course you were, Sammy. - DW

I was referring to the dirty-footed not-dwarves… - Cas

I was NOT whining! - SW

Uh-huh. You've only been obsessed with this since you were eight. - DW

Hey, Cas. Did you know that when Sammy was sixteen we were on a hunt and the Rawhead chewed his copy of _The Silmarillion _to shreds so he got pissed and strangled it with a tazer? - DW

No. And I still don't know what the dirty-footed not-dwarves running around on the screen are. - Cas

I was mad, Dean! - SW

Whatever, nerd. Say...you have this frikkin' thing memorised! When is the hot Elf chick coming again? - DW

Her name is Arwen Undomiel. - SW

And those 'dirty-footed not-dwarves' are called hobbits, Cas. - SW

Arwen Who-do-_what_?! - DW

Hobbits. Hobbits? What? Am I missing something here? - Cas

Probably. - DW

She doesn't 'do' anything, Dean. At least not in the manner you're probably imagining... - SW

Hobbits, Cas. They're little fantasy creatures that are under 4 ft tall (Dean's soulbrothers) and are very fond of eating (ditto). - SW

Yeah, well, I only watch this for her and the Glad lady. All white and glowy. - DW

No…Sam. How can a fictional species be Dean's soulbrother, when you already are? - Cas

It's not the 'Glad lady'! Ga-lad-dri-el! - SW

Whatever, bitchy nerd. They're still hot chicks, whatever the names. - DW

God, Dean, would it kill you to think with your upstairs brain once and a while? I'm pretty sure you have one... - SW

When I die, bro. For real. Upstairs brain gets used only in emergencies. - DW

Wait, what? Cas! Soulbrothers? Like...like soulmates?! - SW

Is that what I said? I do not think it is. - Cas

Dean! Tell me you're not hearing this too! - SW

Oh, I am dude, I am. Cas? Care to explain? - DW

Explain that 'Cas' is the shortening of my name, _again_? - Cas

No, you frustrating feather brain! Explain to us why the whole 'soulmates' crap has apparently spread beyond just an IT genius drunk high off of Paradise's booze supply. Is even Heaven shipping us now?! - SW

You sail? - Cas

GOD! - SW

God is busy at the moment, can I take a message? - Cas

Deeeeean?! - SW

Stop laughing! - SW

This is a TRAVESTY! - SW

Sorry… sorry. Its just… *starts laughing again* - DW

Is it something I said? - Cas

*laughs harder* - Dean

Fine, fine...I'll just go off into a little corner with myself and my popcorn and watch my movie and you two can exploit your 'profound bond' and laugh at me. See if I care! - SW

Though, Dean, I thought you'd be more upset about 'soulmates', seeing as how it features in most _chick-flicks_... - SW

"Well _someone's _got her panties in a - "

SHHHH! NO TALKING! - SW


	21. It Takes A Village Or An Older Brother

.

* * *

"DEEEAN! Where the HELL did you put my hairbrush?!"

'What hairbrush?'

"My hairbrush, asshat! The one Dad bought me after the other one got contaminated by the Nair!"

'Good times...'

"Dean!"

'Oh, you actually _use _a hairbrush? Could have fooled me!'

"What...but...OF COURSE I DAMN WELL USE IT!"

'Do you? Like I said, could have fooled me. Why the hell do you think _I_ have it, shorty? Its _your _hairbrush, like you said.'

"Because you were the last one in the bathroom and I KNOW I put it next to the sink last night. And Dad isn't home, so you can't try to blame him."

'Well, maybe the Hairbrush Fairy came and took it in the night!'

"Hairbrush Fairy?! Dean! There's no such thing!"

'How do you know, huh? Weirder things - like you getting a girlfriend - have happened before!'

"Whoa, whoa...when did this turn into the Spanish Inquisition over my love life?!"

'You feel its a Spanish Inquisition over your love life? What have you got to hide?'

"...nothing."

'Mmmmhmmm... suuuuuure.'

"Seriously...nothing. None of your business."

'Sniff! My little Sammy is growing up...sixteen years old and getting some! How the time does fly!'

"Shut up, you jerk."

'What's her name?'

"NOTHING! Geeze, Dean, all I want to know is what you did with my damn hairbrush! If you've stuffed it full of gum or something again I'm going to KILL you! I said I was sorry for the pink boxers incident."

'You can NEVER be sorry enough for the pink boxers incident!'

"How was I supposed to know that you left some girl's red scrunchie in your socks?!"

'That's why you always check things.'

"I'm not touching your socks any more than I have to, Dean."

'Sucks for you, then. And I don't HAVE your Goddamned hairbrush!'

"Well then what did you do with it?"

'Why the HELL are you blaming me? Oh, I just remembered. Dobby told me to give you his regards and that he needs your brush for his ear fluff.'

"Dean are you seriously trying to tell me that a House Elf stole my hairbrush? Dude! They don't even have hair. _Anywhere_!"

'Dude, have you actually READ all the books with Dobby in them? Dobby's ear fluff is frequently mentioned!'

"Well maybe it's the same kind of fluff that your brain is made of."

'Thank you, Hermionie.'

"Dude. Hermione's a chick."

'My point exactly.'

"DUDE!"

'Don't dude me, dude.'

"Dude! Don't dude me either, dude!"

'Dude, you're still dudeing me, dude! I'm not dudeing you,you're dudeing me if anybody is dudeing anybody!'

"You need freakin' brain surgery!"

'Hmmm. Do I?'

"Yeah. You need to have one transplanted into your head."


	22. Your Foot's on My Feet

.

* * *

Dean, don't EVER come near my laptop again! - SW

What the hell?! What did I do? - DW

Is freaking frozen on your... your _website _again! - SW

And I _know_ it was you, so don't deny it! - SW

Aw, shucks, Sammy...have a heart! - DW

Um...WHY? - SW

Well a man has to do something in his spare time besides count the stains on the wall! - DW

Yeah, but you should go polish your car, NOT TRY AND ADD TO THE STAINS ON THE WALL! - SW

Ew, Sam. Way to be vulgar. - DW

Yeah, like _you're_ any better! - SW

Winchester Rule #5, Sammy. - DW

We have _rules_ now?! And more than _five_?! - SW

I thought the only rule was about banging truck-stop waitresses. - SW

Geeze, dude, I know you and Dad weren't exactly on good terms whenever you got to the age of The Talk, but I thought surely he'd have mentioned Rule #5. - DW

Never got told #1, let alone #5...you gave me the talk, remember? Threw some condoms at me when I went on my first date. - SW

Oh God...that was a joke. - DW

No WONDER you give me a blank look whenever I mention the rules! You are severely lacking in your education, young man! - DW

I do _not _like the sound of that. _At all. _- SW

Rules, Sammy, rules. #1 - Don't let any maids in. #2 - Always keep your guns clean. #3 - Never go into a hunt without clearing the air. #4 - Stay away from CPS, real FBI, and any other authority figures. #5 - If you're going to take care of personal business, keep the evidence to yourself. - DW

I'm amazed, what with all the other stuff he told you, Dad never gave you the list. - DW

Probably because I KNOW all that already! - SW

Then why the HELL are you breaking...you know? I'm not going to have this argument with you right now. Just close the damn window on the computer if it offends your maiden eyes so much. - DW

That's the freaking problem. IT WON'T CLOSE, JERK! - SW

Whaaaaa? - DW

Yes. THAT'S WHAT _FROZEN _MEANS! - SW

I thought it was the new Disney film with that hot, hot blond chick with the ice dress... - DW

*FACEPALM* Dude! REALLY?! - SW

She was hot! And had almost a better transformation scene than Sailor Moon! - DW

DUDE! YUCK! - SW

What? You started it! - DW

Why do you need your computer so desperately anyway? - DW

No I didn't! - SW

Uh, HELLO? We have a CASE in the next town over? - SW

Oh, right. I thought you were going to the library while I hustle us up some cash to get the suits cleaned? - DW

Yeah, well, the only thing in that pathetic excuse for a library was romance novels. So I need Google. - SW

Bleurgh. - DW

Yeah, it was rather bad… - SW

I feel your pain, man. - DW

They're playing some whiny, nasally chick over the speakers at this bar. 'Gimme whore' or something like that. God! Haven't they ever heard of ZZ Top or Bob Seger?! - DW

Surely it's "give me more"…? - SW

No...I'm pretty sure it's 'Gimme whore'. - DW

I highly doubt that. It is most probably "give me more" It's just your head in the gutter that's interpreted it differently… - SW

Sam, I swear to God, it sounds like she (and I'm pretty sure it's a she) is just repeating 'Gimme gimme whore, gimme whore, gimme gimme whore!' over and over until your ears bleed and your eyes pop out of your skull. Christ on a cracker! - DW

Yeah, Cas is reeeaaaally gonna appreciate you saying that. - SW

Well he called Raphael 'his little bitch', so I don't think he's in any position to be lecturing me. - DW

He WHAT?! Oh, our little Cas, all grown up! - SW

I've never been so proud in my life! (Well...aside from when a certain geek got a full ride, but that's a whole other chick-flick moment.) - DW

Me neither! We've taught him well! - SW

And I'm not a geek, jerk. :) - SW

Just so we're clear on things, bitch. And you kind of are. An OCD, rabbit-food-eating, in-need-of-a-haircut geek. - DW

Yeah, but I'm taller than you, DUDE. - SW

All that means is that you've got ginormous feet, Sasquatch. - DW

Dean...who's violating Rule #5 _now_?! - SW

What the hell does...SAM! - DW

What? Never heard that joke? - SW

YES! I just never expected to hear it coming from YOUR mouth! - DW

Christo. - DW

Who are you and what have you done with my prude of a little brother?! - DW

Dude. Seriously. Do you want to come and spray me with holy water…? SW

If I have to, yes. - DW

Whatever. I'm not possessed or anything! - SW

Well someone's getting her time of the month! Why so touchy? - DW

Shut up. I'm just tired. When are you coming back…? - SW

Whenever this high stakes poker game is over. A real jackpot, Sammy...fifteen grand or so! - DW

We'll go eat at a steak house after the hunt this time. - DW

:D - SW


End file.
